Review of The Transformers: The Movie (1986) by Dan B — 09 Oct 2011

*NOSTALGIA GOGGLES ON*.

This is the only Transformers movie in existence. Fuck Michael Bay.

*NOSTALGIA GOGGLES OFF*.

Hoo boy, where do I begin?

Aside from popularizing the death of Optimus Prime â" subsequently traumatizing kids the world over â" Transformers: the Movie is... spotty, at best. It had a world-destroying Big Bad, epic space battles, and almost every robot you wished your parents would buy. The story, while predictable to anyone who's seen a coming-of-age heroic origin, works, and maintains enough drama to bring a tear to 8-year-old you's eyes.

It's not without its shortcomings, though. While Unicron served as a sufficiently massive threat that a movie adaptation deserves, he's a bit shoehorned in. Who is he? why is he vulnerable to the powers of the magic chest Macguffin when the Transformers hadn't even heard of him before this film? And why in the hell is a giant transforming planet vulnerable to said Macguffin's magical upgrade light barrage? These and many other points go unexplained.

Then there's the inconsistencies in the art and animation. On the one hand, you have beautifully-animated transformation sequences for Hot Rod and Unicron, and the art direction is pretty amazing. On the other hand, the rest of the movie looks like... well, it looks like an '80s-era TV cartoon: full of budget cuts and animation errors.

Finally, while I understand that Hasbro/Takara-Tomy's true goal is TO SELL TOYS, I didn't like how a whole bunch of characters get unceremoniously offed just so we can have a new toyline. And for what, fucking Kup and Wheelie? Jesus Christ. I'd rather keep my Ironhide, thank you very much.

Overall, it's a decent film. Nowhere near Don Bluth's features in terms of production values, but it gets the job done, and the plastick crack sold.