Review of The Three Musketeers (2011) by Mloy X — 10 May 2012

D'Artagnan (Lerman): Enjoying the show?

Constance (Gabriella Wilde): Are you always this cocky?

D'Artagnan (Lerman): Only on Tuesdays... and whenever beautiful women are involved.

Constance (Gabriella Wilde): So, you think I'm beautiful?

D'Artagnan (Lerman): Actually, it's Tuesday.

This "film" royally stunk. I already had low expectations because the trailer was centered around the Matrix-esque special effects (which in movie speak means that the plot will suck balls); but I was still hoping against hope that having a talented cast of actors like Matthew McFadyen (Mr. Darcy or MI-5 fame), Luke Evans and Academy Award winner Christoph Waltz would lend a little bit of credibility to the film. But alas no, even made more ridiculous by Orlando Bloom's laughable portrayal of Buckingham. Plus lead Musketeer-wanna-be D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) and D'Artagnan's father (Dexter Fletcher) whose curious inability to conjoure an English accented) was a wee bit distracting. On the other hand, MIla Jovovich was an interesting choice as Milady de Winter; interesting because she was totally believable as a spy but less so as a lady from the court. One silver lining was the chap who played King Louis XIII of France, Freddie Fox. I totally dug his portrayal of the naive, often lost, boy king....two thumbs up for him. Other than that, the effects were cool, the costume magnificent, the cinematography gorgeous but the plot was non-existent.