Review of The Old Guard (2020) by Berik — 18 Jul 2020

The Old Guard, which could also be named "Old plot conveniences, New wokeness." A Bunch of immortals go into combat zones without useful gear, and are efficient because of plot armor. Walking through deserts without water or a mask in case of a sandstorm? No problem for these blank slates!

The CIA is after them to extract hormones so that a cosmetics company can sell immortal juice. Then a fifth jelly fish human becomes immortal, and joins this band of uncharismatic catwalk models. For some reason the US Army has full female squads that have a serious lack of testosterone, but add just enough of that 'Let a woman do a man's job' expression, only to **** it up even worse.

Characters can teleport across continents, and have a compass in their brains. Next to that, the "bad guys" are also telepathic as they are able to track a bunch of ghosts with no explanation. And if you are a side character, you are useless and just their to comment on how cool the main characters are. So juvenile. Conversations are hollow, with no believable weight behind them. It's like these people have major insecuritie issues, and need constant acknowledging that they are "good." It reminds me so much of Gemini Man. I hate Gemini Man. Question: Why, if they are immortal, do they keep doing things that get them killed? For a bunch of deadly warriors, they aren't very good at staying alive without convenient immortality. They don't question the higher reason behind their immortality, but instead just kill. What a waste. This movie is the definition of contrived, feminist and lazily written fan fiction. It's just entertaining enough that it will keep you interested in seeing where it ends, but it will make you roll your eyes the entire time. It's a terrible movie. I give it a 3/10.