Review of The Mummy (2017) by Joshua S — 09 Aug 2017

Yes. The whole goddamn world knew this was a bad idea. So did I. So why did I bother seeing this weeks after it already fell on its fucking face? Some things need to be analyzed. Some problems need to be dissected. Some men just want to watch the world burn. So ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Mummy.

The Mummy 2017, contrary to popular belief is not a watered-down remake of the modern popcorn classic from 1999 starring Brendan Frazer. Nor does it have anything in common with the 1932 original. It has the most superficial and loose trappings of these two, but is more concerned in delivering a generic action blockbuster and being a backdoor pilot for this whole Universal Studio's Dark Universe nonsense. And what a waste it was. The "plot" centers on fortune hunters played by Tom Cruise and Some Guy. While bickering with Female Love Interest (Annabelle Wallis) and stumbling around the war-torn Middle East, Cruise unleashes an ancient evil that yeah...I'm not going any bothering with the rest. If there was one hope for an interesting movie in this mess it lies with the mummy herself, Princess Ahmanet, played by an underused Sofia Boutella. The central conceit or hook (aside from an attempt to grab headlines with a female villain) is that she's trying to actively seduce the main character to the Dark Side, level planet Earth, and rule over the ashes with him. Annabelle Wallis doubles as both the cardboard cut-out blonde and the "good girl" trying to steer him away from sexy wayward Egyptian goddesses of death, hellbent on destruction.

Now while this element had potential for fun melodrama, it was completely buried by the REAL reason this movie exists - franchise building. The plot stops dead to introduce Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and his shadowy SHIELD ripoff organization and tease the concept of other monsters and their respective movies. They do this for like 20-30 fuckin minutes of the movie. By the time we get back to the main plot, it turns what should have been a creepy horror film or a supernatural love triangle with the world at stake into complete and utter action shlock. And yes Mr. Cruise was a bit miscast here. The character he plays is a smarmy gunslinger with notable similarities to Nathan Drake from the Uncharted series. And while he gives it his all physically, this probably should have been given to Nathan Fillion or Chris Pratt. But they probably had better things to do. In summation, The Mummy is a wash and so too is the franchise it was intended to jumpstart. I still have no idea what the hell was the purpose of all this, and I have no idea what the hell Universal CAN do after this fiasco. At this point the film adaptation of The League of Extraordinary Gentleman had better potential for a "monsters" franchise. But who am I to let a bad idea get in the way of studio quarterly reports and bottom margins.