Review of The Mission (1986) by Gustavmarkovic31 . — 11 Sep 2012

ABSOLUTE CODSWALLOP!!!

I don't think I've ever seen a movie that disappointed me more than The Mission.

If you have Robert De Niro and Jeremy Irons on the cast bill, you'd think the film would be at least half-average right? NO. you are dead wrong.

First of all, it's great that some film's don't spoon feed the viewers and keep them of the leash so we can figure things out ourselves, but this film is the other extreme. It doesn't explain anything important, and it hypes on ramming it into us how angry De Niro's character is, especially after he kills his brother (in a very, very practised, precise and fake battle, I might add). Soon enough he has joined the mysterious inhabitants of the forest with Iron's priest who helps De Niro to repent his sins. Then something happens along the lines of the forest dwllers in danger of being extracted from their home by the people of the city not far from them.

More happens, but I'll get into that in a second. First, I point out the film being rated PG. I'm not usually a stickler for ratings or anything, but bloody hell, PG? the final scene in this travesty of a film (and this is what sealed the deal for me) is chocker-block full of full-frontal nudity, from both women and CHILDREN (!!!), but we also get some 'great' views of children, women, men, all innocents, being shot dead by the city people, who are armed with gun's, grenades and other assorted weaponry. One particularly horrifying reel of film I saw was of a child running across the bridge, that leads to his village, and being shot by lurking men in the bushes. The boy screams in ain and gives up, just as his father, or whoever it was pulls him up and runs with him to the village, only to be shot dead anyway.

Jeremy Irons leads all the village people (lol, no not the singers) through the village, right in the line of fire, where casually, they are shot one by one as the proceed. Irons' death is particularly gruesome. He, as he holds up a crystal cross and leads the dying forest people through the open range, is shot in the neck and falls dead immediately, with the last thing he sees being De Niro slowly dying after about 50 bullets to the chest, and an arrow in the ass, which was hilarious at the time.

There are also several canoe chases (that's right, canoe chases) down the river, while the men of the forest attempt to beat the city folk with their paddles and pierce them with arrows, while the city folk have more impressive guns to blow them away with.

Finally, the last thing we see is a completely naked young girl who must be at the most 9 years old, who is watching the disaster end, then she hops into a canoe with sevarl other naked children, men and women and they sail off into the sunset, ending what has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever seen.

But, by far the weirdest part was, as people died and suffered in the final scenes, joyful music and high-octane beats were played over the top, to which my friend and I begged the question "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!??!".

DON'T SEE IT, unless you like naked children, inocent children being shot and unmistakeable Hollywood tripe.