Review of The Martian (2015) by Johnthorp — 04 Oct 2015

I think the word is "drivel." And I should qualify this claim: I swear I'm not a snob, or a snark. I love science fiction, and love being at the theater, and consider myself easy enough to please. I'm not a film-scholar, though I do see a lot of movies, and am reasonably aware of film history, genre conventions etc. So, despite some gripes, Gravity (5 score) was watchable in theaters. And despite some gripes, Interstellar (6 score) was watchable in theaters. Which is all I can ask for, and all a block-buster can aim to do. Hold my attention, *or* show me pretty pictures (it doesn't have to be all both), and I'll gladly walk away, less $14.50. You don't even have to stir my heart, or make me think to get my money! This should be so easy, right?

Wrong. I have two major problems that make The Martian if not un-watchable, certainly not re-watchable, and certainly not worth $14.50 (Gravity and Interstellar I would also consider not re-watchable, but worth $14.50). These gripes (like any) assume that you're like me: an *adult* who sees movies and doesn't appreciate being condescended by studios pushing plush toys made out of hobbits, vampires, GI Joes, barbies, yodas and Will Ferrell. But sill, an adult that (I hope) isn't a douche or "aficionado" for dismissing the last fifteen years of mega-frachises (OK, fine, Avatar was way fun, I said it).

1). Regarding the look: I have no idea how they messed this up, but it's not particularly pretty. And I'm sentimental for deserts! And I think Mars is so cool! You had me! There just isn't enough Mars in The Martian. The quips are OK, the scientific accuracy is fine (though I honestly don't care one way or the other; I like both versions of sci-fi), the acting is fine, music I don't remember so it must have been fine. Just not nearly enough Mars in a movie with Matt Damon, co-starring, well, Mars.

2). Regarding the much acclaimed story: I'm pretty sure Castaway was plotted better, both in the pace, and in outcome. Again, despite some gripes, Castaway dealt very well with the survivor's mental state and desperation, and the very real struggles with personal and cultural re-acclimation upon his return. The Martian is a story for children with no complex character themes. As a result, there was (for me) no real draw or suspense. The secondary crisis (after "Will he get out alive?" which is also not very compelling) is about how his crew might feel if they found out they left him behind, if NASA is morally obligated to tell them, and, if they do feel obligated, when they should tell them. These questions motivate all of the non-Martian-surface drama, and it's boring. I love the idea of crowd sourcing a novel, getting your facts right, and nerding out on the scientific accuracy, but this is a bad plot.

Bottom line: The Martian isn't pretty enough to compensate for a lackluster story.