Review of The Marine (2006) by Pierre V — 14 Sep 2009

There is a good reason that most wrestlers don't fare well in the transition from the squared circle to big screen: they can't act! Don't believe me? Watch Spike TV at 9:00 pm on Thursdays, to watch the horrific banter spat back and forth by sweaty, scantily-clad meatheads on TNA Impact. You'll see what I mean.

John Cena, from the WWE, actually isn't too bad of an actor. He probably won't be getting much support from this material though. This movie is about (what do ya know) a marine named John Triton, who is discharged with honors for saving captured US troops from getting their heads sawed off on the Internet. Yep, it's true when they say that no good deed goes unpunished! That isn't a problem for his wife Kate, who is just happy her hubby is back home and not getting killed overseas.

We learn fairly quickly that John can't cope with life outside of being a marine after he is quickly fired from his security job. So Kate decides to go on vacation with John and enjoy the fresh air. But it is their unfortunate luck that they pull into a gas station where a gang of jewel thieves (led by Robert Patrick) desperately need a car. While John is inside getting Ho-Ho's and a Slurpee, they steal his car (with Kate inside) and blow up the gas station, attempting to kill John and any police officers on duty.

Little do they know that this is an action movie, and you can't blow up the hero in the first twenty minutes. So, John embarks on a long, perilous trip of wonder and self-discovery. Nah, just kidding. He's gonna kick some a**! And kick a** he does!

The writers pull out every cliche ever written in action movie history. If there is a propane tank nearby, you know it's gonna get blown up! If a bad guy has a disagreement, you can bet a bundle he's gonna get shot! The cast of thieves is pretty annoying, including a token black guy who blames all of his problems on white people, and was apparently molested at summer camp as a child! Really? Is that comic relief to these people? Why didn't you flash back to the part where his parents were beaten to death with golf clubs, or when his uncle overdosed on heroin! That should get a laugh!

Patrick is incredibly hammy as the gang leader, Rome, and Kelly Carlson just kind of screams the whole time as Kate Triton. Not to mention that this movie has some of the most disorienting, close-cut editing work I've ever seen. Just for kicks, I counted the amount of jump cuts in ten seconds of a chase scene. Y'know what I came up with? Thirty-seven! That means that there were nearly four jump cuts every second!

Most notably, this movie may very well be the best advertisement for domestic cars EVER! When John first chases down the thieves, he commanderes a Chevrolet Police Cruiser and guns it. These guys are just blasting the car with assault rifles and Uzis from ten feet away. And this doesn't just go on for a second or two, this is throughout the entire seven-minute chase! Not only do they manage to NOT hit the 250-pound steak slab behind the wheel, but they also manage to not hit a tire, gas line, engine, or anything else that might slow the car down! Like a rock, indeed!

If the movie took itself too seriously (which it doesn't), I would rate it a zero. But there is some humor injected at the right moments, and even though he is pretty one-note throughout, Cena does make for a likable action star. Any movie where someone gets eaten by alligators can't be all bad, right?