Review of The Lords of Salem (2013) by Stuart B — 29 Oct 2013

I could reference the song of the same name by Rob Zombie, but that would be just too blasted easy, even for me, and at any rate, well, I don't even like the disjointed hunk of 2006 metal noise to begin with, which isn't to say that this film by Zombie is that much better. Look, I'm not saying that this film is kind of lazy, but Zombie couldn't even come up with a new title, so he got one from one of his songs, and if that's not enough, as the title in question will tell you, this is yet another movie about a curse of the doggone Salem witch trials. Come on, Rob, it's kind of hard to take this premise seriously so soon after "ParaNorman", a family film... up to a point (It did get kind of messed up), though I don't think that I can blame you too much, as you couldn't have predicted that this film would come out around the time of "ParaNorman" when you did it back in, I don't know, 2003, three years before you even recorded the song "it is named after". I joke, but it did take them a while to get this film out, and now that it's here, well, Zombie still can't pin the problems on his getting rusty after spending so much time away from movies, - seeing as how he's never been all that good of a filmmaker - and he sure can't blame the problems on commercial producers. I can't help but feel like the word of mouth for this film would be harsher if it wasn't for the fact that this is an "independent project", or if it wasn't for the fact that there's hardly enough people seeing this film to come up with a more accurate consensus. I don't know why they're saying that this film isn't scary, because it's apparently scaring some people off, you know, like people who have better things to do then watch the latest Rob Zombie film. Okay, maybe this film isn't that messy, but it has problems, and plenty of them, which isn't to say that there aren't some things to compliment.

Really, if nothing else can be, not just complimented, but praised in this film, it's easily Brandon Trost's cinematography, because where Trost could have succumb to limitations within this film's mere $1.5 million budget and turned in a bland photographic performance, definition limitations are taken advantage of through harsh coloring in order to grace the film with a thoroughly rugged, gritty palette, while lighting is played in an almost uniquely shadow-heavy fashion that further captures the somber intensity of this quiet thriller, and beautifully so. The film is nothing if not eye candy, so visual style is easily its greatest strength, being played up with a cleverness that is more than a film this generally silly deserves, to the point of actually breathing some arguably needed life into this story concept. Okay, now, this story is trite to begin with, and its execution is pretty questionable in a lot of places, so there's a lot to dilute the value of this subject matter, but there's still something intriguing about this minimalist, flawed narrative idea, which has some intrigue and an almost respectably audacious attention to harsh thematic elements, and is sometimes genuinely done some justice by Rob Zombie, at least as director. As a writer, Zombie is at his weakest, and his directorial performance isn't substantially better, but it is better, because it has some pretty notable highlights, playing with disturbing imagery and some subtly intense meditations in order to craft an atmosphere that really does draw you in at times, and sometimes really does tense up, especially with the profoundly disturbing ending. I'd imagine Zombie wishes that his efforts didn't "sometimes" tense folks up, but there are moments in which ambition becomes inspiration, and when those moments have not yet arrived, well, ambition is simply charming in a way, to the point of adding a little liveliness, or at least some hint of integrity. Sure, such integrity is shaken like a British nanny by missteps, made all the more glaring by [u]over[/u]ambition, but no matter how much the shortcomings try, a certain charm cannot be washed away, and that, combined with effective elements, is enough to save the final product from contempt. Nevertheless, the film is still a serious mess, and while I cannot say I disliked it, I sure didn't like it for a number of reasons, some of which extend to the "promising" story concept.

As I said earlier, there is some potential and intrigue to this story concept, but it's limited, as the story concept is too minimalist for its own good, to the point of taking on some blandness that is certainly done no favors by Rob Zombie's script, which is trite, at least in its interpretation of this narrative, which follows trope after trope, growing more and more predictable, and having plenty of time to collect genericism. Even though the film is only around 100 minutes, when I read into the minimalism of this premise, I got worried that this film might outstay its welcome, and as sure as sunshine, the film is rich with pacing problems, such as meditative moments that kind of lose their bite after a while and simply become kind of dull, as well as repetition that drags the narrative along, sometimes to the point of driving unevenness into focus through excess material, and generally to the point of thinning out focus, until aimlessness sets in. If focus isn't incoherent, then it's just not present, resulting in a bland narrative structure that may have a few heights in intrigue, but seriously needs more life, something that it's certainly not going to get from the character department. The characters are familiar and thinly drawn, and the performers are hardly able to hide that, for although there are a couple of supporting performances that are decent, most of the supporting players are mediocre, if not weak, while leading lady Sheri Moon Zombie delivers a portrayal that seems more uneven than layered, and lacks charisma, due to a lack of convincingness. Rob Zombie once again employs his wife for the sake of employing his wife, and that decision is particularly questionable here, for although Sheri has her moments, she's just not leading lady material on the whole, and the funky hairstyle and oversized glasses dilute the attractiveness that could have helped compensate for limitations in dramatic engagement value, so not even our lead can save the film from blandness, leaving it in the hands of highlights in Zombie's direction, as well as, well, silliness. On top of being bombarded with natural shortcomings, this story concept suffers from an execution that is pumped with many a misstep, whether it be with such broader elements as character actions and plot events, - which get to be questionable - or with dialogue that gets to be mighty lame, especially when it goes punctuated by fall-flat comic relief whose blunt entrance breaks tension with tonal unevenness, settled by a consistency in atmospheric maniuplativeness. For every effective chills delivered by Zombie's direction, there are a number of cheap thrills to reflect overambition, which in turn reflects the film's other shortcomings, of which there are very many, maybe not to the point of driving the final product into contempt, but decidedly to the point of crafting a mediocre misfire of squandered potential.

Overall, outstanding cinematography by Brandon Trost is arguably the film's strongest attribute, while highlights within Rob Zombie's somewhat charmingly ambitious direction do enough justice to a promising story concept to save the final product from a collapse into contempt, but generic, blandly draggy and uneven storytelling, backed by mostly mediocre performances - most notably by leading lady Sheri Moon Zombie - and cheesy, if not manipulative writing and direction ultimately secure "The Lords of Salem" as a thoroughly mediocre comeback for a hit-or-miss horrorphile.

2/5 - Weak.