Review of The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning (2008) by Amy D — 26 Apr 2009

My intelligence is officially insulted. I forced myself to watch this out of curiosity, and regrettably that's an hour and a half I will not be getting back. I'll spare everyone the trouble: Ariel had a mother apparently, and she was lovely and sang all the time and everyone hung out on the surface, until Ariel's mother was hit by a boat. Yeah I didn't buy it either. So I guess this takes place a little before the original movie. All seven daughters are teenagers (at the same time?!), and they are naaaauuuuuuseeeating. ("Like, omigod, boys!" the entire time, I shit you not.) If I want that, I'll hang out with myself. And they have a governess, voiced by Sally Field. Christ, Sally Field, is there anything she won't do? The governess has a beluga whale sidekick that seems to be a little slow. She has him do her nails. Naturally. And since Triton is sad that wifey is dead, he's forbidden music and turned Atlantica into Iraq. So all the fish gather in secret in a swingin' dance club, which Ariel stumbles upon accidentally and meets Flounder, who acts a lot more dim sum than I remember. Sebastian hangs out there too, and a cheesy cover band sings "Jump in the Line". I wish I was making this up. So Ariel brings her annoying siblings along, but only because they want to meet boys (Omigod!), and they all dance and sing and have a great time. Then Sally Field shows up and, in true Sally Field fashion, ruins everything. All the fish are thrown in jail and Sally Field gets Sebastian's job, much to her delight. From here on out Sally dresses like a drag queen/Vegas showgirl and has just as many costume/fin changes. That's right, her fins change. WTF?

So Ariel breaks the fish band out of jail (which wasn't necessary, you could have fit three Sebastians through those bars) and they run away somewhere. While in the middle of nowhere, they all sing Jump in the Line yet again, and Flounder raps. Lowest point in Disney's history, I think, when Flounder raps. Anyway, Ariel stumbles upon her mother's old music box, which was a gift from Triton. Aw. And it plays their song. Next, Sally Field shows up with some big ass electric eels and tries to lay waste to them, because she hates Sebastian. She lunges at him but Ariel pushes him out of the way and falls down, which shouldn't have hurt her because they are in fact underwater...No one knows whatever happened to Sally Field, but just before the credits we see her in the dungeon with a black and white striped fin (WTF?), lamenting to her beluga whale, who tells her she shouldn't be so mean to people. It isn't nice.

Triton shows up, Ariel regains consciousness, Triton sees the music box, realizes the error of his ways, and everyone is happy again. Except of course for Walt Disney. And me.

P.S. The guy who does Triton's voice also did that fat guy from A Goofy Movie, and that's all I could picture when he talked. Ruined it even more for me.