Review of The Little Mermaid (1989) by Dobson980 — 31 May 2023

Every now and again, Hollywood blesses us with a remake so mind-numbingly unnecessary that we're left questioning our own reality. The Little Mermaid remake is the latest cul-de-sac in the circuitous route of creativity where, apparently, we've started recycling things that should have been left in the bin.

I have seen brighter colors on a rainy Monday morning than in this movie. The 'visuals' feel like the team ordered a palette from '50 Shades of Drab' instead of diving into the vibrant, undersea wonderland that the original animated film offered us. The title might as well have been, "The Little Mermaid: Unleashing the Power of Sepia.".

Now, let's talk about music. Oh, the music. I never thought I would miss the sound of a singing crab so much. The reworked songs seemed to have been passed through a creative paper shredder and then pieced back together by someone who only vaguely remembered the tune. And the Scuttle song? It felt like an auditory equivalent of a tax audit.

In what felt like an aggressive act of cinematic filibustering, the film's extended runtime added about as much value as a screen door on a submarine. Each new scene was like watching paint dry. Except the paint was already dried. And the color was boring.

And then there was the casting. The characters were about as dynamic as a bowl of overcooked linguini. The emotional depth ran from A to B. It was like watching a high school play, where everyone is trying their best, but you can't shake off the feeling that something's just not quite right.

The Little Mermaid remake is a spectacular testament to the concept of 'Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.' But hey, at least we now know that even mermaids can have a bad day.