Review of The Legend of Tarzan (2016) by Odyssic — 15 Jul 2016

Brace yourself. This is Africa, where wealthy white guys walk digital alligators on leashes as though it were outside the cantina on Mos Eisley. Aside from a few touching moments, a few chuckles aimed at children, this movie is pure, unadulterated Hollywood drivel.

You can tell by the generic soundtrack theme, as it swells at the most predictable moments. Samuel Jackson, perhaps looking for a paycheck and having seemingly no fun at all, is tiresome as the obligatory comic relief sidekick, and now and again the character digs into soulful narratives about war and his regrets, groping for soul and coming up empty.

The flashbacks are awkwardly timed and paced, particularly those of the young Tarzan, and are spliced in randomly throughout the narrative. Sometimes the gorgeous scenery makes for a scene in itself, and the few times I had that thought, breathing at the chance to relax for a second, there was an awkward cut to some other random shot.

The Jane character is pure eye candy, the quintessential damsel in distress, revamped for the politically correct feminist era, though not quite to the point where she can actually take care of herself in the wild.

The villain, who's motivations are wildly unclear, comes to her rescue when she finds herself cowering before a awkwardly rendered CGI Gorilla. His modus operandi is to choke people with a bracelet, and for some reason, that renders him almost invincible (the villain, not the gorilla, though neither would have been plausible in the slightest).

There is a joke about priests in there somewhere, I guess, because the deadly bracelet, the deadliest piece of jewelry in a movie in decades, has a cross on it. The evil 'mercenaries' are as faceless and nameless as the soldiers guarding the slaves, who Tarzan mercilessly beats to a pulp, with his uncanny animalistic version of martial arts.

I couldn't tell if the characters or the CGI creatures were more lifeless, so this inquiry was almost entertaining. It's one of those movies that is made in tandem with the video game, and I could almost predict where the different levels would be.

Level one, shoot dust covered africans guarding the diamond mine. Level two, wrestle with gorillas. Level 3, run along faux digitally rendered branches with a rifle, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Now, there are some pros.

The general message of man living in gentle harmony with nature, as contrasted to the more exploitative traits of the slave traders, is relevant. Looking into a digital elephant's eyes was sweet, though Samuel Jackson's stiff period acting ruined that; Tarzan rubbing heads with lionesses, and Samuel Jackson's rote astonished look.

Jane and Tarzan had some chemistry, if in a predictable, cologne ad sort of way. Now, I still like the Tarzan archetype, so it was watchable. I just had to squirm in my seat to overlook plot holes and limp characters.

The digital gorillas bonding with the young Tarzan is touching. Oh and Tarzan eventually meets with the tribal leader who's son he killed decades before (obviously), and that fizzles out almost immediately after some anticlimactic scuffling.

.. there is supposed to be some subtle catharsis (I guess), and Tarzan runs ahead, leaving behind a teary african in a leopard head suit. Oh, and I'm glad Jane birthed a jungle baby at the end. I hope that's not a spoiler.

I saw it coming from the first flicker of the first scene.