Review of The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) by Gregg C — 26 Jul 2009

The Hills Have Minorities Too.

OK, I know you?re just dying to be offended by my title and my review, so, I welcome you to stop reading, however, take note, that I didn?t make this movie, I?m only writing what you can witness with your own eyes.

First off, to save you some reading, this movie BLOWS. Now, on with the review.

You know you?re in trouble in the very first scene. This movie has HORRIBLE written all over it. After the first few scenes are over?. Including boobies, which, according to my charts and graphs and equations?.. Boobies in the first half hour = SHIT MOVIE?.. you are already laughing at the movie and you?ve already seen the mutants? in full, head to toe, as well as blood guts and the whole 9 yards? So what?s left? You guessed it? NOTHING?. So much for suspense, fear, tension, etc? They piss into the wind, and leave us for dead for the next hour and a half?..

So, now that the welcome wagon has passed, we meet the reel cast?. A groups of immature soldiers that come straight from the Equal Opportunity Employers Group (not sure who they are?) Mexican, White Woman, Spanish (or something) Woman, 2 Black Men, and a Token White person or 2? Now, 1 guess who is smarter, stronger, braver, etc?. Did you say the 85lb girls? BINGO!!! Who?s in charge, giving orders, pushing around the others? Did you say the Black guys? BINGO!!! Right again?. Ok, I?ll stop here, but, you get the point?.

WHITE PEOPLE = PATHETIC COWARDS.

MINORITIES = SUPERHERO?S.

Don?t look at me, ?I?m just the messenger?

Now that we?re forced to deal with this, the movie decides they should also toss in there opinions about war, our president, the country? etc? though there not brave enough to fully commit to there little messages. They toss things out hidden beneath quick remarks, kinda like the uninformed puss ass retards that the people who draw these opinions in the first place are. Did you know our president lies too much? Just ask Wes Craven. It?s too bad he doesn?t have a problem with children being blown to bits in Van?s so a couple terrorists can make it past a checkpoint??.How bout this, SHUT THE F*** UP AND TAKE US TO THE MUTANTS PLEASE.

Now, very much wanting to walk out of the movie at this point, I feel helpless and sad for the loss of my $10 and upcoming hour?

Much wasted time later, a few laughs, and the new knowledge that all soldiers are complete and total morons, immature, undisciplined, cowardly and obnoxious?. We progress with the film?

Hmmmmm, ok, it pains me to continue in detail? so, we?ll fast forward a bunch?

FINALLY the soldiers get to there destination.

Everyone is missing.

They get a distress call.

They take there sweet time getting to the person? marching, singing? etc?.

Mutants Kill a bunch of people.

Mutants have holes and paths and what not at every EXACT POINT where the people will try to do something. There excellent visionaries?. There like CRESCIN?. There?. THE AMAZING MUTANTS?.

Finally, most are dead and we head into the home stretch.

Now, I never complain about content at all?. If someone beats the hell out of a woman (AKA Sopranos) I?m not offended, I?m not uncomfortable, I simply don?t care? It?s a movie, it?s a story, the actors are not beating up a woman, they laugh and have coffee when the scene is done filming.. etc etc? get over it? BUT?..

Missy, the Spanish girl (I think..) Is taken, and raped on camera. I?m not sure about you, but Rape could be about the only thing in a movie , other than the killing of children (THE HITCHER?. That piece of SH** movie), that completely turns me off. I get no enjoyment over watching some girl get violated. There?s a place for everything?. Even rape, but I personally think there?s a VERY SMALL SELECT place for that. A shit sucking Horror flick need not show an enormous mutant having forced sex with a helpless girl. It?s a pathetic attempt to shock, AND it?s the second film in a row to do this. In the first, it?s the first time you realize just how smart, and how heartless and deadly these creatures are. Your skin crawls while it?s happening to her and it makes you truly fear these creatures, as by the time the scene is over, 2 are dead, one is burned to death, and 1 is raped? It?s a brutal scene?. In this film, it serves no purpose but to visually show you, what you already know is happening to her. Pointless, uncomfortable, and disturbing??.

So, that?s over and we?re left with 2 girls, 1 guy and a friendly mutant, who mysteriously vanishes from the film right in middle of his key roll in what?s taking place?.

There?s a big showdown, Missy gets her ass kicked, the others get beat up a bunch?? the A-Team music plays???. Missy is just fine, despite having her special place smashed to pieces by a massive mutant, her face rammed into the floor with the force of something that picked her up off the ground with one hand??. This is good stuff, did you buy your ticket yet?

Ok, enough of this review. I can?t even stand to write it. The movie sucks, go see something else.