Review of The Guest (2014) by Christy B — 22 Jan 2015

Hollywood loves to beat the already dead horse. This movie, however, starved, slaughtered, gutted and butchered it and then served it to unsuspecting consumers on a second hand silver plated tray. You purchased what you thought was Wagyu and instead got donkey dick stuffed with spam.

Either I watched a completely different movie than other reviewers, or they were to busy drowning in Dan Stevens oceany eyes to notice everything else going on. While some may have been hypnotized by his crooked smile and chiseled body, I was busy trying to figure out why this movie got an 89%, or anything over a 20% for that matter. Consider this review a life vest to prevent future viewers from becoming drowning victims as well.

The soundtrack was apparently put together by an over zealous fan of cheesy 80s movies, or a hipster with a sense of humor. While the music is ridiculous, it is perfectly picked for this movie. The terribleness of this movie made the soundtrack seem brilliant.

I am not sure if the writer/director were trying to be ironic or create a seemingly intelligent parody flick but it was badly acted, and poorly so. By that, I mean the horrendous acting was so in your face that even if it was on purpose, it was too much. I can only assume that was their goal but I'm not sure that makes it better or worse that they succeeded in doing it. If you're going to call yourself a writer, spend less time at fedoras-r-us and more time coming up with something new and interesting - something that makes you think. Every movie these guys do is a direct ripoff of something done before(including a near steal from Star Wars). Sad.

This is the first time I have ever seen or heard of Dan Stevens. I now know why. He has a face I want to punch and his ability to deliver a line makes Shia Labouf seem like a Shakespearean wet dream. He is Paul Walker 2.0, at best. How he continues to get roles is beyond me but I'm guessing the casting couch needs a good cleaning.

This movie was the hipsters version of American Psycho. The difference between the two movies being that American Psycho was good and this was not. It had no real plot, nothing connecting you to the characters and the worst ending ever. There was ZERO emotion in the characters. It did, however, have every stereotypical scene you can think of from past horror movies. So if you ever wanted to watch a condensed version of every horror flick ever made, look no further.

Dan Stevens should stick to being a Paul Walker carbon copy and stop saying words, while the writer and director spend a little more time creating a story that draws you in. Anyone can put a pretty boy in front of the camera and throw some blood around - that doesn't make you a genius(and if you watch the commentary they give on the DVD extras, they sure do think highly of themselves). Attending an 8th grade creative writing class would greatly benefit them. The more blood, gore and violence there is, the less brains and ability were involved in the making.

This movie is not genius. It is not ironic or cool. It is not mind blowing or thought provoking. It wreaks of less than average minds with too much money and too many connections. It is unoriginal and void of any creative/artistic skill.

The Guest is nothing more, and no better than, the pretty girl fleeing her attacker by running up the stairs instead of out of the house.

If you ride a moped, own a t-shirt with a tux print, prefer independent coffee shops to the corporate devils or have a collection of fedoras that a greasy Italian would envy, you may like this. If you're 12 years old and think Patrick Bateman is the guy from Arrested Development, you may like this. If you've been blind and deaf your entire life and decided that this would be the first thing you ever see or hear, you might like this. But if you have an IQ higher than the rating this movie received or enjoy/prefer a story/movie that has time, effort and thought put into it, don't waste your money or time.