Review of The Glimmer Man (1996) by Fraser B — 14 Mar 2009

Think Se7en meets L.A. Confidential meets Steven Seagal meets some Wayan's brother douche, and you've got it. That said, Seagal's take on the Serial Killer movie, amusingly, does away with the actual serial killer very early on. After that, the focus becomes fixed squarely upon our boy, following his attempt at clearing his name to his fellow cops. He also has to do this whilst dealing with some crooked political types because (they can't leave him alone for five fucking minutes, can they? Poor Steven Seagal, no wonder he's such a hippy, but anyway,) they are pissed at him for saving their nephew from killing himself.

It makes about as much sense in the film too, but like the plot matters, right? No, no, this is a Seagal movie, and a fairly decent one at that. It's got plenty of the sort of quirky and kick-ass flourishes that you could only pull off on-screen with the big man taking centre stage.

I think The Glimmer Man is proof that, yes, Steven Seagal could branch out and do his thing within another genre, but would that really be fair? I mean, think about it. Not only would Steven Seagal have stopped the guy from Se7en in under an hour, he'd have broken his fucking arm too. Badass, sure, but what would that leave poor Morgan Freeman to do with himself? Exactly.

It's the same deal with any other genre too.

I gurantee you Seagal would have scored with Sally, with a minimum of fuss, in a lot less time than it took Harry. He probably doesn't even know any aikido. Pussy.

Bummed by his fellow Shawshank Prison in-mates? I'd like to have seen them fucking dare.

Stuck in a shopping mall surrounded by a horde of flesh-eating zombies? Please! If no living person is hard enough to handle this motherfucker what chance do a few dawdling undead sissies have? Innit.

In short, Steven Seagal simply walks into Mordor. And the last thing Sauron's big fire-eye would see? Just a glimmer. Or a twinkle. No, wait, glimmer sounds better.