Review of The Forbidden Kingdom (2008) by Donald L — 04 Jan 2010

!SPOILERS AHEAD!

Forbidden Kingdom is the tale of an American teenager who looks 25 and still lives with his parents in a room covered with kung fu posters. This is important because we must know what a big kung fu fan is. He dreams of kung fu. Wakes up to kung fu on his tv. He uses kung fu shampoo. Then he goes to a shady pawn shop in China town to buy kung fu dvds in chinese with no subtitles. He wouldn't want to be distracted from kung fu by any english words. On his way home with his kung fu movies about kung fu he stops to talk to some trashy chick, then gets his ass kicked by the son of John Claude Van Damme as a greasy italian. While getting his ass kicked for liking kung fu so much, and not knowing any, they find out he buys his kung fu from the shady pawn shop. So they force (aka ask) him to be an accessory to breaking and entering, armed robbery, and attempted murder and he grudgingly complies. After the crime he runs away with a golden rod which magically tries to make him commit suicide by jumping off a building.

He wakes up in what appears to be stereotypical ancient china, where we discover everyone speaks crappy english if you yell "I don't understand you!" once. Convenient. Jackie Chan then shows up as a drunk guy who knows kung fu and lies about everything and the kid rides off to the nearest bar with this total stranger. There they meet a melodramatic orphan whose parents are dead and who has no parents. She also knows kung fu. They ride off together until the kid gets robbed of his staff by Jet Li who plays a monk who also knows kung fu and is a real dick. They decide to teach the kid kung fu, but he is so awful at kung fu it takes at least 3 montages to teach him kung fu, during which time he also grows a gay pony tail.

About this time Jet Li pisses on Jackie Chan. Not even kidding folks.

They get across the desert and Chan, the liar who knows kung fu, gets shot in the back with an arrow from 3 miles away by a witch who knows kung fu and has a computer generated whip. We find out Chan is a liar, we meet some monks, and the kid rushes head long to deliver ultimate power to the worst guy ever to save Jackie Chan because he taught him kung fu (even though he's a liar).

Next ensues a battle for about 30 minutes between the kid who now knows kung fu and has a pony tail, the witch with the computer generated whip, jet li the pissing asshole, the orphan no parent girl, and some sort of chinese kung fu wizard. During this time everybodys clothes are ripped and all our heroes get blood on them.

Jackie chan shows up and gets immortality in exchange for being a drunken liar and then he fights off the witch who also has computer generated whip hair. A monkey king gets released and displays his supreme knowledge of kung fu, but not before the sad melodramatic orphan girl with no parents gets killed. Out of revenge pony tail kung fu boy kills the immortal kung fu wizard with a hair accessory.

Then the god of all china/kung fu comes back from his 500 year nap to tell the kid a valuable lesson: that if you sacrifice yourself to kill an evil kung fu wizard, you're dead forever. But if you're a liar who drinks too much apparently you can get immortality. Good to know.

All the heroes, except the melodramatic dead kung fu orphan girl with no parents, go to a party and magically nobody has ripped or bloody clothes. The god of china/kung fu ask the boy what he wants most, and instead of saying "to take back the immortality potion from the drunken liar and give it to the cute melodramatic dead orphan girl" he pulls a Wizard of Oz and says "I wanna go home!" The god of all china/kung fu then blows the kid off a cliff with super breath.

Kung fu pony tail boy wakes up back in china town, sans pony tail and kung fu. He is assaulted by his associate who committed breaking and entering, armed robbery, attempted murder. After an ass beating he remembers: Hey I learned kung fu. Dramatic music plays and he kung fu's Mr. Attempted Murder through a gate. All the other criminals run away.

Kung fu sans pony tail boy rushes to see if his best friend, the pawn shop owner HE BETRAYED AND ALMOST GOT KILLED, will be ok. The world's best EMT says he'll be fine...they missed the heart by an inch. Impressive work, seeing as how he should have a punctured lung at the very least. Despite the bleeding lung pawn shop guy basically says "stick with it tiger" and everyone leaves the scene of the crime...even the cops. Apparently what happens in China Town STAYS in china town, and no investigation occurs for the break in, armed robbery, or attempted murder of old pawn shop guy.

Walking away from the scene of the crime unquestioned by police, and uncaring that Mr. Attempted Murder is on the loose with a gun, our hero Kung fu sans pony tail boy runs into a cute asian girl who looks just like the melodramatic kung fu orphan girl. She flirts with him despite the fact he looks 25, and we find out she works in a shop selling cheap souvenirs.

This. All. Happened.

What an awful movie...the only reason I can give it 2 stars is, as always, I actually enjoy watching Jackie Chan's choreography with his Drunken Boxing style.

If you love Kung Fu movies, skip this one. It obviously HATES Kung Fu movies.