Review of The Final Inquiry (2007) by Elisa J — 21 Mar 2008

Oh man. Where do I start? How about Hristo Shopov reprising his role (from "The Passion of the Christ," no less) as Pontius Pilate? Um...the hell?! And then you have Christo Jivkov ("Passion of the Christ"'s John) - as Stephen. Same outfit and everything! I mean, is this what happens when you do poorly (or well?) in a Jesus movie? They bring you back in another one and martyr you?!?

I agree with reviewer Jared - the concept was intriguing, but the writers either had the most rudimentary knowledge of Christianity imaginable or just really wanted to thumb their noses at us. I mean, come on: Judas Iscariot's house? Saul of Tarsus and the High Priest publicly drugging and entombing a Roman tribune, in front of Pontius Pilate, just to prove the Resurrection was a fraud? Mary Magdalene (who was grinning like a madwoman at the Crucifixion) bullying Stephen into recanting his faith in Jesus? Peter going back to Galilee and resuming his fisherman's existence after Pentecost?! (Oh wait, they didn't even address Pentecost. Hell-o!).

That being said, I've been addicted to this movie for the last week, having yielded to my sister's persuasive arguments regarding the hotness of leading man Daniele Liotti. The man sports facial hair and green eyes (completely flying in the face of what I thought a Roman of that era would look like, but as he happens to be a contemporary Roman in real life, I suppose my opinion doesn't count for much). And while he can't quite figure out whether he wants an English or Australian accent or maybe just some confusedly broad vowels, Daniele hearkens at various moments to Clive Owen in "King Arthur," Eric Bana in "Troy," and, of course, Nathaniel Parker in just about anything (though Daniele does echo Nat's delivery on some very Inspector Lynley-like dialogue).

Anyway, the whole plotline between TITUS VALERIUS TAURUS (sorry - couldn't resist) and Baby Penelope Cruz hurts my teeth and generally makes me feel sick inside, but there is a touch of the Velveeta rom-com about it, especially in that immortal sequence: "Girl with no name! If I can't speak to you, I will speak to the gods......O gods...".

If you really have a yen for a post-Resurrection flick that's mostly eye candy and a love story, albeit well-written, watch "The Apocalypse" instead. (I had to watch it the day after this one just to cleanse my system from the inaninity!) It's not as awful as its title would suggest, dealing more with the apostle John's experiences and visions on the island of Patmos than the actual end of the world, and it's one of the last films Richard Harris ever made, so it's well worth a watch. Plus Benjamin Sadler, our leading Roman, is seriously hot (that's for all you ladies who bought "Luther" because of Spalatin!). The love story is still pretty gag-inducing, but you only get flashes of it in and amongst the Four Horsemen and other visions. So you really can't go wrong. "The Final Inquiry" needed better writers; all "The Apocalypse" really lacked, I think, was a sufficient budget to do justice to its subject matter.