Review of The Conqueror (1956) by Zeke C — 15 Dec 2013

You know what the best part of "The Hangover Part 3" was? Watching people eat it. For all those whiny meddlers that complained about how Hangover 2 was the same thing as Hangover 1 (despite the fact it unabashedly never pretended to be anything else), they had to grit their teeth and try and defend that unfunny and forgettable flop that was Hangover 3. Christie Lemire of YouTube's What the Flick?!, for example, went on and on about how it's not meant to be a comedy, but an exploration of Zach Galifianakis' mental health (at which point Ben Manckiewicz retorted that it had failed even at that).

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]Anyway, the best part of John Wayne's 1956 biopic of Genghis Khan, "The Conqueror", is also watching people eat it. This time around, the crowd that has to grit their teeth and attempt to mutter praises is: people that glorify times past as "the golden age of film". Anyone that longs for the filmmaking of the 60s and the 70s, because "Jaws" broke the mold in ways today's Hollywood formulas could never match. Well, I hope you came hungry, 'cause I got something to feed you.

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]Yes, I know it's the Generation Y in me, but this is the golden age of film. Right now. And I'm not just talking about the CGI (although, let's admit it, that does account for a small percentage of it). I'm talking the unprecedented dedication to the acting. I'm talking about the seamless flow of exposition and storytelling. I'm talking about the perfect crescendo of score, acting, character development, scriptwriting, tone, the magnitude of the world creation - even the goddamned lighting - for complete immersion.

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]And I'm talking about actors that are racially appropriate for their roles.

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]Genghis Khan, 13th century Mongolian warlord, is played here by John Wayne. Yes, John Wayne, a man whose entire ancestry has never left the British Isles. Borte is played by Susan Hayward - of Swedish-Irish descent. (This is not limited to this Razzie forerunner. "The Manchurian Candidate", the 1962 Frank Sinatra film, starred two white guys, Henry Silva and Khigh Dheigh, as the Chinese characters. It was one of the final straws as to why I found that film too preposterous to continue watching.).

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]And not to mention that it was filmed in Nevada, which looks nothing like the Mongolian steppe. They could have at least gone to Montana, which would have been closer. I mean, for Christsakes, at twenty minutes in, there's a goddamned black jaguar wandering around the camp! Are they aware this supposed to take place in Mongolia?! In the 13th century?! It's about as far from South American jaguars as you can get!

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]While I'm thinking of it, I have to ask, how did John Wayne gain his aura of machismo? I mean, isn't this guy supposed to be like the precursor to Arnie and Sly and Jason Statham? The godfather of male muscle flexing? Watching this film, like, he doesn't have the best muscle tone, he doesn't have that deep of a voice, he doesn't really come off as any more masculinely intimidating than Vince Vaughn (sorry Vince, but you'll never be cast to play a terminator or a Greek warlord). Clint Eastwood I get, because despite his thin frame, he's got that deathly deep voice. Arnold Schwartzenegger I get, because he's ripped like a rhinoceros. Jason Statham is like a blackbelt and Japanese sensei with martial arts. But John Wayne...

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]It's so specifically historically accurate in some regards (they even have Tengriist scapulimancy portrayed, albeit the divination is being done for Toghrul, the Christian). You'd think if they could research half of what they did, they could get basic details right (Mongolia is more than the Gobi, Toghrul wasn't a shamanist, jaguars are endemic to a continent two hemispheres away). I get the fact that they say this is a work of fiction based on real events, and certain shorthand is necessary, but come on....

[PARAGRAPH INDENT]This is a moderately decent movie to watch if you're blitzed out of your skull, as I was when I watched half of it. Otherwise, no. Just, no.