Review of The Bling Ring (2013) by Cameron J — 19 Sep 2013

"It's time to try your luck again, but remember what I say: it's gotta be the bling ring for that lady!" Yeah, Kingston Wall, as progressive rock, could have been a worse '90s band, but they should have probably stuck to Finnish, as their English lyrics weren't particularly sharp, which isn't to say that I'm ashamed about referencing "The Real Thing", because even though it's a '90s song, it fits in this discussion... I think, seeing as how I kind of like to mess with people by referencing an 18-minute-long, actually good post-'80s song that they've never heard of (I guess prog rock still has "the real thing... for that lady"). Yeah, it was a lame move, but you have to give me credit for not having any pretense about my intentions with that reference, especially seeing as how this film has enough pretense going for it on its own, or at least about as much as it can while still being an almost tasteful approach to almost tasteless subject matter. It's "Spring Breakers 2", already, because, you know, as if it wasn't enough that "Spring Breakers" defiled the family-friendly images of Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson, Sofia Coppola just had to come in and push Hermione Granger into sleazy waters, all but ruining her for "Harry Potter" fans. Oh yeah, because the last thing that "Harry Potter" fans want to see now that they're between their mid-teens and mid-20s is Emma Watson strutting around in the tightest of jeans, dirty dancing and licking her I suppose adequately pronounced lips. As a fan of brunettes, I can at least give this film credit for getting Watson to dye her hair and enjoy her Venice vacation by a pool that the trusty paparazzi happened to be standing by, and if you think that sounds kind of weird, well, first off, you clearly haven't seen the leg-tastic pool side pictures to which I am referring, and secondly, you should see this film. Yeah, this is a pretty sleazy flick, though it's not as exciting as you might think, which isn't to say that it is, in fact, "Spring Breakers 2" (No, James Franco, I most definitely do not want Spring Break forever, at least after that film), as it has its share of graces to save it from contempt.

Looking through the low-brow subject matter around which this drama is built and seeing a name like that of Sofia Coppola, it's easy to expect some form of artistry, and if commendable artistry is here, then it's within Christopher Blauvelt's and Harris Savides' surprisingly outstanding cinematography, whose coloring's cold polish is strikingly unique, especially when it glamourizes highlights in lighting control. Outside of the cinematography, stylish attempts at compensating for substance shortcomings are pretty lacking, but the film's visual style really is something to behold at times, for although you kind of get used to it after a while, it's certainly more tasteful than the substance, which, even then, has a bit of intrigue to it. As I'll touch more upon later, the film's story concept is pretty thin, and anchored by unlikable characters, yet there's something to this subject matter dealing with the full dark depths of polished, but sleazy people, having some thematic weight that proves to be thought-provoking, at least in concept, and is occasionally brought to life in execution by convincing performances. Okay, perhaps there are some questionable performances that are anything but all that convincing, but on the whole, if the core of this character "drama" has nothing else going for it, it's good performances, with Emma Watson stealing the show with an impeccable valley girl accent and portrayal of a misguidedly foolish trophy child who stands as yet another successful counteraction to Watson's Hermione Granger image, while leads Israel Broussard and Katie Chang convince as questionable leads. The performances are too underwritten to be all that strong, but they're good, and for a film like this, that's precious, as there are few strengths to this effort that has many flaws, whose severity could very well has destroyed the final product if it wasn't for the ultimate saving grace: the final product's simply being too bland to be bad. Sure, I'd imagine Sofia Coppola would want more than just a lack of interesting elements to prevent her vision from slipping into contempt, but make no mistake, there's only so much to this film, and such thinness emphasizes strengths like the cinematography and acting, whose consistency ultimately saves the film as, at the very least, mediocre. Of course, mediocrity is by no means a real compliment, because even though the film isn't quite a downright challenge to sit through, it's a forgettable, needless mess that meets what strengths it has with many missteps, even in the story concept.

As I said earlier, there is a hint of refreshing thematic intrigue to this drama, but really, outside of that, there's hardly anything to this story concept, whose conflict is relatively thin, and whose focus is even thinner, to the point of offering considerable underdevelopment, which would be a bigger deal if any amount of expository depth could compensate for the unlikability of the shallow, stupid and even criminal protagonists who stand at the core of this character study. Sure, the repulsiveness of the characters is purposeful, and the portrayals are generally strong enough to sell the thematic core of this questionable character drama, but a story this distancingly thin in weight cannot afford to have such distancing characters, as they emphasize narrative shortcomings, though not as much as the dragging that gives you more than enough time to meditate upon where things go oh so very wrong. At approximately 90 minutes, this is by no means a terribly long film, yet it still finds time to drag its feet a whole, whole lot, having a few long stretches of repetitiously excess material that break up relatively near-sprawling stretches of all-out filler that thin the focus of the narrative out until, after a while, it dissipates, resulting in aimlessness. The film travels in circles, having few rises and falls, as well as a thin sense of consequence that only gets thinner and thinner as things go - nay - limp along with nowhere to go, and whose shortcomings bland things up enough without an ice-cold atmosphere. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little bit of quietness in this strangely almost artistically meditative drama if it means that they underuse this horrible, horrible, horrible soundtrack, but this film is not simply more quiet than it probably should, but too blasted quiet for its own good, drying up the air until you end up with a cold tone that bores and distances an investment that is loose enough because of all of the aimless narrative structure. Kind of like "Spring Breakers", this almost arty film tries to interpret tasteless subject matter tastefully, and while such a formula isn't too jarring, tone is still uneven, and that emphasizes the questionability within both the subject matter and the artistry, though perhaps not as much as ambition's gradually slipping into arrogance, for although Sofia Coppola's directorial performance doesn't feel quite as pretentious as the one that Harmony Korin destroyed "Spring Breakers" with, it demands a lot from you, yet doesn't pay back as much as it should. There's something frustrating about this film's wanting you to submit investment into something uncompelling, and while such frustration isn't considerable enough to drive the film into contempt, it reflects flaws, of which there are very, very many, from a thin story concept and unlikable characters, to aimlessly draggy and dully cold storytelling that leave the final product to sputter out as very mediocre, maybe even borderline contemptible.

When all of the bling has rusted over, you're left with outstanding cinematography, some intriguing thematic depth and strong performances by Emma Watson, Israel Broussard and Katie Chang to latch onto, while blandness' simply being too prominent for badness to set in truly save the final product from contempt, but through a blandly thin story concept, - anchored by unlikable leads - and aimless, unfocused storytelling, made all the more challenging by a dull, when not rather self-congratulatory tone, "The Bling Ring" falls flat as a thoroughly mediocre study on the dark core of the glamorous.

2/5 - Weak.