Review of Teeth (2008) by Juliankennedy23 — 24 Oct 2014

Teeth: 5 out of 10: This is the second vagina dentata film I have seen; it is unfortunately the lesser effort. This despite tremendous guerilla marketing campaign that could make one think this is the first cinematic foray into such a taboo subject let alone the greatest horror film since “Sliced: The Baker of Bread”.

The film spends its first half an hour on a lightweight parody of the Teen Chastity movement complete with the wearing of red rings to show that they are pledged virgins. In a creepy post release twist, the chastity group is called Promise and uses something that resembles the Obama presidential red O as its symbol. I am not sure this is what the Obama campaign had in mind.

After a half an hour of jabs at the religious right and nuclear power, (Cooling towers are ominously and unscientifically billowing black smoke behind our protagonist’s house.) The film segues into the feminist revenge film we all paid good money for.

Needless to say, hormones being what they are, the dentata enabled virgin (Jess Weixler) finds herself getting hot and heavy with her born again virgin boyfriend (Hale Appleman). When he takes her no to mean yes and attempts to date rape her... well her teeth go to work and Appleman finds himself short one manhood.

Do remember that film when the guy loves the girl and she betrays him so he cuts her vagina with a broken beer bottle, killing her, and the audience cheers him on? No? I don’t either. Because they never made that film... and if they did, audiences would burn down the theater. Welcome to the double standard. And don’t get me wrong, I approve of this particular double standard in theory, but the misandry of this film is overwhelming. Add in some unsubtle homosexual subtext (and gratuitous male nudity both membered and dismembered) and one gets the idea that the film is against heterosexual intercourse in general. This ironically gives it the same moral compass as the Chastity Group it mocks. This is simply forced chastity from the other side.

The problem is poor direction by Mitchell Lichtenstein. His tone is all over the place and sloppy. If he wants his protagonist to seek out lovers then kill them for imagined slights (as she does later in the film) shouldn’t the film reflect this change from victim to predator? Director Lichtenstein also wastes a tremendous performance by John Hensley as Weixler’s older, evil brother. Hensley creates a character of true banal evil. A stupid selfish bad guy that feels like a very real person. His scenes are the best in the film, yet the climatic denouement is simply more of the same and honestly does not feel true to the character. (This would have been a perfect time for the film to put in a twist such as incestuous anal sex.) The films performances are overall quite good with Jess Weixler and Hensley as the standouts. The film is also extremely graphic with various male gentalia being sliced and gaping bloody wounds in the crotch area. (Not for nothing but would not a male member lose its erection if severed?) Unfortunately, Teeth, much like that recent killer baby flick Grace, ends where it should have begun. If you want to see a Vagina Dentata film done right, take a gander at Angst (Or Penetration Angst, as it is known overseas.). Fiona Horsey brings a certain je ne sais quoi to the art of dismembering men that an American virgin just cannot compete with.