Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) by Bill M — 21 Mar 2015

Whilst certainly not a good film I have to fully admit to being quite entertained by the new version of Turtles, it's loud stupid nonsense for sure but never boring. It rattles along so fast that all the misgivings are skirted over before you have time to truly process your annoyance or negativity, to summize take the truck chase across a frozen wilderness, it's a big load of messy, badly cgi'ed, weightless incomprehensibility but it's so breakneck paced and energetic that you never get the chance to role your eyes.

Other problems are the redesign of the titular turtles, giant, hulking, creepy looking monstrosities that are seriously visually ugly, although they're almost acceptable compared to what they do to Splinter, I cant even describe how off his new iteration is, grotesque and misjudged and not helped by the consistently uneven or outright horrible looking cgi on display, and Shredder.

..fuck.....Shredder is a perfect example of why less is more, the more armor, giant knives and bulky robotics they add to him He's basically a multi ginsu bladed samurai Transformer here, cheers Michael fuckface Bay) the more stupid and the less cool he looks, I longed for the menacing, badass Shredder of old not this supposed master warrior who needs a robo suit to fight, what a pussy.

I have to add as well, how strange Megan Fox looks here, you still would, but she looks so fake, her skin shinny and almost photoshopped looking from what has clearly been a few surgery jobs, her eyebrows look drawn on by magic marker, he lips bumpy and swollen from botox, an image of all that toxic fakeness women mistake for an idea of beauty to aspire to these days, very sad.

Still though overall i've got to say that I enjoyed myself, even from a nostalgia pint of view, I mean changes aside it's pretty much the turtles of the cartoons and the live action movies that we all grew up with, and really it's not like it's some sacred text, in fact lets be honest neither the cartoons nor the movies were much cop anyway so who cares? one thing this post millennial turtles is really missing though?.

......Vannila Ice, that's what.