Review of Tarzan the Ape Man (1981) by Ken D — 21 Feb 2014

Remember in my "Glitter" review how I said that movie was the first film to ever give me a headache? Well "Tarzan, The Ape Man" is the first to literally put me to sleep. Seriously, I must've dozed off like 2 or 3 times while watching this stupid movie. I haven't seen a movie so empty since The Bling Ring. It's really hard to really review this film properly because literally nothing happens in "Tarzan, The Ape Man". Nothing really works in it whether it be the idiotic writing, the atrocious acting, the crappy dialog or the flat as a board characters. Let's have an awkward look at a very awkward movie, "Tarzan, The Ape Man".

Jane (Bo Derek) finds her long lost father (Richard Harris) on a quest to find Hidden Secrets about an African Jungle. One of which happens to be a an Ape Man kown as Tarzan. As Jane and Tarzan encounter each other, they grow a bond... I'm not sure what kind of bond it is but clearly they're close. Yeah you're probably just as confused as I am.

By the title, you would think this would be just an adaptation of the Tarzan Novel. However, if you were lucky to see the trailer as I was you can easily tell this film is just an excuse to have Bo Derek get naked. Really if this film wasn't so long it could easily join the fun bad movies I like to watch like Supergirl or The Room. Unfortunately, there are times when the film really drags and has constants stops and starts. There is literally a scene of Jane and Tarzan fighting an obvious rubber snake for 10 whole minutes. I would be okay with this if the fight was exciting or added something to the "story" but it just comes off as a huge waste of film.

Do I even need to say anything about the acting in this? In particular Bo Derek's? Yeah Pia Zadora is a terrible actress too but at least she can do two emotions somewhat properly. Bo pretty much does nothing but pose and moan erotically in the entire film. Whenever she says anything, I just don't believe the way she says her lines or how she delivers them. For instance, there's a scene where she is eating a banna (in the most erotic way possible) and tells Tarzan she's a virgin. Yeah, I'm going to call Bull Crap on that. I don't want to be mean here, but it's hard for me to believe Bo Derek as a virgin in this movie. I don't know if it's the way the character of Jane is acted or the way she's written but I have a hard time believing this character has no experience in anything sexual. I will say this, Richard Harris' acting is hilarious. I would almost say he's the male counterpart of Faye Dunaway. Whenever he spoke or yelled at the top of his lungs I would just laugh out of nowhere.

I would say the huge issue with the film is the fact that it's so boring. Supposedly, Tarzan, The Ape Man is an "adventure" film. Excuse me, but where the hell is the adventure? For more than half the movie, we see nothing but people walking through a boring jungle and camping out somewhere to have stupid dialog about fear or whatever. Even the scens with Tarzan and Jane together are pretty boring. They don't even have sex they pretty much just elude to it without doing the deed. Which leads to another issue with the film, these two morons don't belong together! Really is there relationship only going to be all about sex? There's an obvious language barrier and it's quite maddening to think you two will do nothing but bone each other while you look into each other's eyes awkwardly.

As much as I bash this film "Tarzan, The Ape Man" is not the worst movie I ever seen. I would say "Mommie Dearest" or "Glitter" would still be way more horrible than this movie. Still, that's not saying much. This is still a really awful film. The chemistry is not believable, the acting in general is not believable, the writing is completely off, the dialog is moronic and the characters are nothing but tolls in a film that cannot ever be fixed. It doesn't matter how many times Bo Derek gets naked in this, she's still a bad actress and this is still dumb movie.