Review of Tango & Cash (1989) by Brian B — 12 Jan 2009

It's almost impossible to tell whether Tango & Cash was intended as straight-up comedy, or whether the filmmakers were attempting to create an honest (if implausible) action flick a la Lethal Weapon and Die Hard.

What is it that makes Die Hard work, while Tango & Cash feels like the work of five-year olds? No, seriously, there were times when I wondered whether the screenplay was written by grade-school children.

I think that the main thing that separates the two movies is in the way they treat their stars. Yes, Bruce Willis' John McClane is an unstoppable force when it comes to taking down the baddies. But he gets hurt; he doesn't know where/who the bad guys are at all times, he has a weakness in his affection for his wife. In sharp contrast, Ray Tango & Gabriel Cash are absolutely invincible. Near the start of the film, Tango is literally shot in the chest twice from close range. He barely flinches before chasing the perp across the rooftops of [Insert City Here]. It's not until later that we learn that he was wearing a thin bullet-proof vest, but still... a moment to breathe, maybe?

Nope, not here. Imagine little children playing with army men: they shout BANG! BANG! at each other all day with their plastic guns, but neither child wants to see their character die. That's what Tango & Cash feels like: neither Tango or Cash are real people. They know everything ahead of time, and when they are in danger (rarely), it's because it's necessary to show how bad-ass they are when they escape -- not because there is any tension gained from showing them in peril. Tango instinctively knows where to shoot the semi in order to get cocaine to pour out, rather than ignite the gasoline into a gigantic fireball. He's just that good.

I guess there's a plot here, sort of. The boys get themselves thrown in prison, framed for murder by a local crime lord. Rather than being taken to a minimum security prison, the guys get taken to a rough-and-tumble lock-up where they must exhibit their bravado, quick wit, and oiled up torsos in order to battle both the cadre of criminals that they have each single-handedly taken down -- AND the evil guards that are patrolling the perimeter of the grounds. Can they do it??? Of course they can.

The action is mostly forgettable. What makes Tango & Cash so fun is in its seeming blindness in regards to how ridiculous and homo-erotic the scenarios and interactions are. The two guys quip off of each other like an old married couple, trying to one-up each other with manliness and patriotism ("I wanna be killed by an AMERICAN jerk-off!") and all the while falling deeper and deeper in love. And when they aren't trying to keep from French kissing each other -- er, sorry Cash, Freedom kissing -- they are bumbling around and sounding like idiots. Take this all too telling exchange:

Gabriel Cash: You don't know anything about electricity, do you?

Ray Tango: No.

Gabriel Cash: As long as you're only touching one wire and you're not touching the ground, you don't get electrocuted.

[Thinks about it for a moment].

Gabriel Cash: Um, right?

Ray Tango: I don't know.

Gabriel Cash: I don't either.

It's awesome! Or if that one doesn't do it for you, try this:

Interpreter: Detective Cash assaulted me. He put a chair on my chest and sat on it.

Gabriel Cash: [Tango looks at Cash, surprised] I couldn't find a piano.

And I'm not even giving away some of the most incredible lines. Trust me, you'll know them when you hear them. It's just altogether a great dose of insane, beer-swilling, good old-fashioned American, man-on-man, hot and sweaty action.

Brilliantly stupid, I'm willing to break Godwin's Law of Film to make this claim: Tango & Cash would be the movie Ed Wood would have made if he had made '80s action flicks. Srsly.