Review of Stargate (1994) by Diego T — 04 Aug 2013

Okay, let's tear this film's anus asunder while I still have it stuck in my head. Stargate is, simply put, the anus of cinema. Just reading the plot synopsis is enough to give you a brain aneurysm. Archaeologists find a giant disc in the desert that transports them to another planet where the Egyptian gods are real-- AND THEY'RE PISSED. Seriously, Roland Emmerich must have just sat down in front of some hieroglyphs and smoked crack until he thought this thing up. Good holy shit, this is bad.

Stargate stars Kurt Russell as Generic Amy Guy #422 and James Spader as a dweeby archaeologist who meet up when the government takes control of the Stargate. Somehow, Spader is able to activate the Stargate using his incredible knowledge of hieroglyphs in two weeks, while the US government and its infinite resources couldn't accomplish it in two years. They send a drone through the portal, and it appears in another galaxy. How do they receive the transmission from the robot? Wouldn't it take billions of years for the signal to reach them? Naaah, fuck it, let's just throw logic out the window and caution to the wind as this monumental load of stupidity barrels forwards!

Russell, Spader, and a group of interchangeable and expendable army guys walk through the portal (without checking to see if there is some kind of breathable air on the other side) and find themselves on a desert planet with a huge pyramid built on it. Shit, I bet the Ancient Aliens guys at The 'History' Channel love this fucking movie. They set up camp in the sand (not in the structure they were zapped into), and soon realize that they won't be able to get back without finding some tablets... or whatever.

Then Spader falls in love with an enormous yak-bison and is unceremoniously dragged off by it in a comically inept sequence of events. He finds himself in a little town where everyone speaks ancient Egyptian and fucking loves candy bars. After listening to their language for a grand total of twelve hours, he is able to start speaking Egyptian fluently. This is roughly the point where it starts getting unforgivably idiotic: The army guys that Spader and Russell left behind get attacked by jackal-headed Anubis douchebags who use giant metal laser rods to shoot people with. IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING SHIT EVER, JUST STOP READING THIS REVIEW. Aaargh... right in the brain...

Suddenly, all is well because Spader found the tablet that saves the day (or whatever), and has a plan for them to get home. Unfortunately, they are captured by Ra, the Egyptian sun god, who... doesn't really do much to them except throw them in a pool. Also, I didn't expect Ra to look so much like a girl. Some of his outfits looked like they were taken directly from Inara in Firefly. He stupidly tells Spader his plan, then somehow manages to top that idiotic command decision by having him execute the army guys himself. In a public ceremony. So Spader is now armed, a few feet from Ra, and knows exactly what his plan is. This is officially going down as one of the WORST VILLAIN PLOTS OF ALL TIME.

Spader shoots up Ra and his bodyguards and makes his escape (woah, who saw that coming?) and runs off with a few kids from the village he stayed at, along with his new wife. YOW! Spader's a playa. They cheer over their 'great victory,' even though in the process of making their escape, Ra kind of blew up half the crowd of innocent people... so there's that. But nobody cares about civilians! Then it turns out that Russell brought a convenient nuclear bomb in through the Stargate, and Ra has taken it. Ra plans on somehow growing the bomb's blast exponentially using a nonexistent element (Unobtainium, anyone?) and launching it through the Stargate to destroy Earth. Why does he want to kill all the humans? Here's his response: "I created you... now I shall destroy you!" Yeah, that's not really a reason at all.

So Russell and Spader have to break into Ra's stronghold, and they do so surprisingly easily, encountering only five guards (I COUNTED) and killing them all. Russell sets the timer for the nuke to go off, as he wants to prevent Ra from invading Earth. Outside, the village people unite to kill a grand total of TWO of Ra's henchmen. So now we have a ticking time bomb in an alien pyramid while a slave army rebels outside. It's like the plots of four semi-decent movies mushed into one horrible one.

Ra conveniently leaves just when he had a chance to wipe out everyone, then acts surprised when Russell uses his own transporter system to beam the bomb to his pyramid-spaceship (Star Trek rip-off). KABOOM! OOH, LOOK AT THE BIG KABLOOEY! EVERYBODY WATCH THE BIG KABLOOEY! LOOK AT THE HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOEY! Fuck, I really hate this movie. Everyone cheers, everyone hugs, Russell overcomes his inner demons and goes through the Stargate, but not before saying a supposedly heartfelt goodbye to Spader, who decides to stay with his new wife on a completely unknown planet, where he has no chance of seeing his family ever again, and might just have to fight another Egyptian god every once in a while. Doesn't matter; had sex.

So, is this the worst movie ever? Close to it! With horrible acting, the most pathetically idiotic plot of all time, laughable special effects, atrocious dialogue, and plot points that boggle the mind, this is beyond the anus of the world-- it's the anus of the ENTIRE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM. There's not much more that can be said about a movie as bad as Stargate, other than the fact that Roland Emmerich's only good movie was Independence Day.

Final Score for this monstrosity: 2/10 stars. Why two points, you ask? Well, I can see how it might be fun for an ADHD filmgoer with coke-bottle glasses, a family tree laden with dementia, and a severe history of hereditary retardation. Unless you fall into that category, there is absolutely no reason to watch this movie. Also, Kurt Russell is too badass to fully discount. But even he can't save a poorly plotted, ineptly scripted, unforgivably horrible movie like this. It's terrible.