Review of Starcrash (1978) by Brett W — 19 Aug 2012

Ah, Starcrash; the bizarro-world, Italian acid-trippy version of Star Wars. What separates this gem from the flock of other flunky ripoffs is just how eye-poppingly vibrant it is. Yes, the acting is bad, the effects are bad, the story is bad, but it's all so spectacularly bad that it's difficult to believe that anyone involved was taking this seriously. And so the film has a certain honest quality to it, like a slightly less goofy Monty Python skit. It doesn't feel like they're trying to pass anything off as "convincing" and so you can relax and fall into the absurdity of it all.

And now... stuff that's awesome about Starcrash:

1. Caroline Munro in a leather bikini (It's like Leia couldn't find a change of clothes after Jabba's palace). It's cold in the vacuum of space, a titty bit nipply, if you know what I mean, heh, heh!

2. Caroline Munro in leather bikini fighting other women in leather bikinis.

3. Elle: The Earnest P. Worrell version of C-3PO.

4. The Star Wars theme music that always stops just before copyright infringement.

5. The grown up, greasy, cavemen version of the ewoks.

6. A young David Hasselhoff and his mushroomy hair.

7. Akton: A.K.A. Frampton Comes a Jedi.

8. Akton kills a bunch of ewok cavemen with a lightsaber; a scene that George Lucas would later recycle for Anakin's sand people massacre/tantrum.

9. Count Zarth Arn... a character that George Lucas would later recycle (twice actually) for the prequel trilogy.

10. in fact, the entire second half of this film is eerily similar to the first 20 minutes of Revenge of the Sith.

11. It's better than all three prequels combined... and actually feels more Star Wars-y and has emotions and mild suspense and real sets.

12. A space station that looks like a giant hand.

13. Greatest villain line in history: "Kill! Kill! Over there!" (points in direction enemy cluster).

14. when dudes get hit by laserblasts they explode like frozen turkeys on Independence day.

15. David Hasselhoff's male camel toe around the 1h20m mark.

16. Space stations in this galaxy look like the insides of old TV's.

17. There are no Jar Jar Binks's or farting or burping aliens.

18. A higher-than-a-kite Christopher Plummer, in every frame, looking as though he's being forced to recite lines by terrorists off screen.

Stuff that's not awesome about Starcrash:

1. Caroline Munro puts that stupid plastic bag jumpsuit over her bikini.