Review of Spring Breakers (2013) by Moecim — 31 Mar 2013

This is the first and will most likely be the only time that I experience anything so horrifically bad that I am compelled to write a user review of it. This is literally the worst movie that I have ever seen. This movie is actually so atrociously bad that showing it to detainees ranks as torture under the Geneva Conventions.

A far more apt title for this movie would be “Stupid Sluts Meet Weird James Franco and Play with Guns”. The movie is 94 minutes long but probably only contains about 45 minutes of original scenes while the rest of the movie is a repeat of these scenes with different filters and effects. The audio is even more unoriginal, with the same words being repeated for 5 minute stretches before the voice-over “actor” gets bored and switches to a different, unrelated phrase. There is no coherent plot to speak of, and any scenes that have a semblance of contiguity are ultimately ruined by piss-poor acting and glaring plot holes. I like to think that the big-name actors associated with this movie were tricked into participating by bizarre psychological techniques, because there is no possible way that anybody could read the screenplay and “script” (same 10 phrases repeated for the whole movie) and say “Yes, this is something that I would like to be involved in and have my name and reputation associated with.”.

This movie was reviewed as “stinging social commentary”, but there is no moral to be seen, no attempt at a real resolution and absolutely no positive characteristics. It is superficial and it is wrong that people are actually making money from creating this atrocity. All the beautiful eye candy in the world could not bring this movie to anywhere close to watchable, but it feels like the director tries to bribe the audience into watching more of his cruel social experiment with naked, writhing women.

I would do anything, except watch “Springbreakers” a second time, to get these 94 minutes and $9.75 of real currency, which could be spent on something infinitely more worthwhile, like jawbreakers, a puppy or bamboo splinters to shove under my fingernails, back. I genuinely feel like I have made a terrible mistake in my life because I was convinced to go see this movie and sat through the whole thing. Please, please, please do not go see this movie and instead do something more meaningful like watch grass grow or beat your head against a wall or even just burn the cash you would spend on seeing “Springbreakers”.