Review of Speed (1994) by Diego T — 30 Aug 2013

So... this movie exists. After the success that was Die Hard, studios everywhere wanted to jump on the action movie bandwagon. The result is a bunch of cheap knock-offs like this. Speed has gotten a lot of recognition for being the proverbial "Die Hard on a bus," but it basically ignores everything that makes Die Hard great. It's still the cream of the action film crop when compared to other cheap Die Hard imitators (White House Down, anyone?), but that doesn't mean it's actually any good. There's a reason why Die Hard isn't known as "Speed in a building.".

Speed is the story of a bomb disposal expert (Keanu Reeves) who accidentally pisses off a maniacal terrorist when he defuses his bomb and foils his master plan. The madman then takes it all personal and decides to go apeshit, planting a bomb on a bus somewhere in Los Angeles. The bomb is wired to activate when the bus hits 50 mph, and will detonate if the bus drops below that. This epic premise is, unfortunately, the only thing that Speed has going for it. But credit must be given where it's due, and it is most certainly due here-- this premise has become so ingrained in pop culture that it's hard NOT to know it. However, most people just know the concept and nothing about the movie built around it, which should tell you something about the rest of the film.

So, let us begin the anus asunder-tearing by stating that Keanu Reeves is an atrocious actor. That's just the way it is. He delivers his lines in a flat, monotone voice while barely moving his mouth. He actually has fewer facial expressions than Kristen Stewart. He says the terrible dialogue of this movie without any inflection whatsoever. And speaking of the dialogue in this movie, GOOD HOLY GOD, does it ever suck. "I can't do this without you!" "Do what you have to do!" LAAAAAME. It falls into every pothole and pitfall of action movie dialogue, relying more on cliches than anything else. It's as if the scriptwriters had a box full of bland action movie dialogue and just started pulling shit out and slapping it down on paper.

Also, one of the things that made Die Hard great was its villain, Hans Gruber. Alan Rickman spoke sharply, enunciated his lines, and was a truly intense and frightening bad guy. Speed has Dennis Hopper. Now, Hopper might be an okay actor, but he is absolutely fucking HORRIFIC in Speed. He overacts in every scene he's in, putting on an obnoxious accent that makes him sound less like an intimidating villain and more like a whiny terrorist who didn't get his way. Every good movie needs a good villain, and Speed just doesn't quite cut it on this front. His dialogue is banal and uninvolving, and it's generally an unpleasant performance to watch.

Fortunately, the acting in Speed is more or less salvaged by Sandra Bullock as the tough-as-nails bus driver. Even though she's not given much to work with, she does wonders with it. Her dialogue is just as bad as Reeve's and Hopper's, but she's somehow able to make it believable. Her character is really inconsistent, however. One minute, the writers will be trying to sell us on her being a rough, hardcore badass who drives a bus laden with C4 like a boss. The next, she's completely incapable of doing anything without a man around to tell her what's up. Altogether, it's kind of the death of feminism in movies. But hey, it has Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off! So that's a plus.

And, as it is with any bad action movie, PLOT HOLES ABOUND! In one scene, Reeves has to board the bus, so he hijacks a car and drives alongside it. However, he is apparently incapable of coherent thought, as he removes the door of the car in spectacular yet idiotic fashion and then climbs out and into the bus. Why is this a plot hole, you ask? Well, because the car was a convertible, and he could have climbed out without having to showcase his stupid door removal technique. It was just a totally pointless way of setting up some stupid-ass stunt. Also, he kind of negates this entire scene, as he performs the exact same maneuver later into the movie without having to break off any doors.

Also, if you seriously believe that a bus with twenty or so people on it could possibly jump a fifty-foot gap in a freeway overpass, I have a bridge to sell you. Sure, it was cool, who gives a fuck? It's absolutely ludicrous. And in the final action sequence, the bus is abandoned and allowed to barrel down an airplane landing strip before crashing into a cargo plane and exploding. Sure, they saved all the people on the bus... but they probably killed more than twice that many in the process. So fucking stupid. Not to mention that the attempts at cool one-liners are totally pathetic. Reeves's lame "Yeah? Well, I'm taller" line falls on totally deaf ears. Make no mistake: There is no YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER line in this entire movie. A great action movie has to be quotable... and Speed most fucking definitely is not.

Final Score for Speed: 4/10 stars. It's a cool premise, and the claustrophobic feel of it is definitely a welcome diversion from the idiotic action movies we're getting nowadays, but the execution of this shitload is just too corny, canned, and anus-of-cinema-y to recommend to anyone but the most rabid action junkies. Is it a fun ride? Yes, as long as you can ignore the numerous subway trains that get destroyed during Reeves's attempt to save Bullock (ONE FUCKING PERSON!). So go ahead, watch it. Maybe you'll see something in it I didn't.