Review of Southland Tales (2007) by Kenny N — 20 Sep 2015

Wow. This film blew me away...like a devastating F-5 tornado that leaves destruction and despair in it's path. So much to like about this movie and so much to HATE. Never have I seen a more 50/50 film in my entire life.

When it comes to the art of film making, most directors are like an artist with a paint brush-gradually creating a complete picture filled with intricate details and eye catching imagery. Richard Kelly, director of "Donnie Darko," hurls his ideas at you with the wild abandon of a kid with a paintball gun.

I'd attempt to explain the plot, but star Wallace Shawn (whom they slapped a wig on, for crying out loud!) didn't even understand this thing so why should the audience be expected to?! Speaking of stars, EVERYONE turned out for this strange affair.

The Rock is the most surprising. This is practically an art film and he specializes in brainless action/brainless kiddie movies. Seann William Scott, who specializes in brainless comedies, turns in a deathly serious performance as a cop.

Justin Timberlake as a Bible-quoting trigger happy soldier who tries to fill in the blanks for us with voiceover narration to diminishing returns. (I can just hear the fictionalized Robert McKee in "Adaptation" bellowing at Kelly "God help you if you use voice-over in your work.

That's flaccid, sloppy writing!") And then it's a veritable who's-who: Miranda Richardson as the villain? I guess she's the villain. It's never made entirely clear WHO she is.

Christopher Lambert! Mandy Moore! Jon Lovitz as a badass cop! (What?!) And he's convincing! (WHAT?!?!) Bai Ling! (I adore her, so I paid extra close attention whenever she was onscreen. It didn't help any.

) The late great Zelda Rubenstein! They're all thrown into this pot and out comes a strange looking, halfway inedible stew. I didn't like this movie, I didn't hate this movie, I don't know how I feel about this movie.

I don't know if two stars is "just right" or "too many." I have just been utterly confounded by this movie-object. Touch it and it might bite your hand off. I only recommend you watch this movie if you want to watch a movie to which there is no equal to it in the entire film world, anywhere in the world.

God bless America, and God help us all.