Review of Snowpiercer (2013) by Hwodragon — 21 Nov 2014

I really, really REALLY don't want to go for the obvious pun here, but there's no way around it: This movie is a train wreck. The parts of the plot that weren't totally predictable were only so because they were so illogical, I couldn't imagine anyone being stupid enough to write them. The "BIG PLOT TWIST" at the end was so obvious, I accidentally predicted it in the first half an hour.

I honestly have no idea how this movie was conceived. Did somebody say, "Hey, let's make a dystopian, post-extinction, hunger-games-esque action movie, but on a TRAIN!", and did somebody else honestly think that was a good idea, not realizing that is the perfect way to make LITERALLY THE MOST LINEAR MOVIE EVER?

There are so many holes and inconsistencies in this movie, that the pseudo-intellectualism is brutally exposed to the icy winds of this **** metaphor. Why was a cannibal appalled at finding that he had been eating insects, which are a perfectly healthy and legitimate form of food, as opposed to **** CANNIBALISM? Who are these characters who we're expected to magically know and care about despite being told nothing about them? After the main characters suddenly found themselves cut off from the rebellion as a dozen heavily armed soldiers got behind them, why do they not seem to feel any sense of urgency? Why did the main character with a **** submachine gun stand there with no cover engaging an enemy who had a powerful assault rifle at a range of half a kilometer through a blizzard, and how the hell did he actually almost land a shot? Why does this Native American think he can survive in the frozen wastelands when the last people who tried didn't make it a mile, based on the fact that the snow has melted a little bit, yet it's still cold enough to freeze a man's arm off in seven minutes? How has this train come so close to derailing this many times in a few days, and yet it's kept on track for 18 years with no maintenance of the outside train, or the tracks it's traveling on? Why is a train superior to, say, an underground bunker? What the hell was that random scene near the end where a kid randomly disappeared into the engine with no explanation or consequences?

HOW THE **** DOES NOBODY SEE THE PROBLEM WITH AN ENDING THAT LEAVES LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING, SAVE FOR AN 18 YEAR OLD AND A 5 YEAR OLD, DEAD, AND THOSE TWO CHILDREN TOSSED INTO THE ARCTIC WILDERNESS, AND HOW THE **** IS THIS BETTER THAN THE ANTAGONIST'S ALTERNATIVE OF *NOT* COMMITTING GENOCIDE?

These are some of the many, many, questions you'll be asking during this movie.