Review of Seabiscuit (2003) by Kate L — 07 Jan 2010

Should've beat "Return of the King" for the Oscar. Sorry Frodo, but if you had finally gotten Samwise Gamgee to blow you at the end like the 8 hours, plus or minus of walking, had led up to, you might have fared a chance. Or you could've thrown in at least one shot of Legolas nipple, c'mon. You got an entire CGed army of shitty Xbox looking Orcs or whatever (I think that's how you spell that shit) and not one scene of hobbit on hobbit action (which, let's be fair, I think the whole point of the movies was, I could be confused) or any sweet, sweet, Orlando Bloom toplessness. Look, I ain't gay or nothing, but LotR is pretty gay, and gay shit should have a lot of gay shit, or it's just gay and nobody wants that. Like Brokeback Mountain, gay shit, no question, but they had gay sex and so it's not so bad and non-gay people can watch it and go, "Oh, what a great movie. Ang Lee's a genius, and stuff." I said that. And that movie was less gay than one scene with Sam and Frodo because they never gave us the payoff so it just ended up being a bunch of unresolved gayness and it just makes us all more gay in our heads because we have to imagine the gayness in our heads, instead of watching it play out. LotR turned everyone who watched it's head into a big gay holodeck in which all this crazy shit had to play out in our imaginations because they didn't have the balls to show it. Fucking faggots!!

Oh yeah, and Seabiscuit, quality film.