Review of San Andreas (2015) by Bradcheng — 06 Jun 2015

California, in the words of Steely Dan, tumbles into the sea and "San Andreas" somehow manages to make it boring. The inept script for "San Andreas" has less verbal fireworks than your average made for TV movie and possibly less than a tupperware party.

In a nutshell, "San Andreas'" completely brain-dead script focuses on the "original" story of a steroid+collage infused couple -- who are "nearly" divorced --being swept together by massive catastrophe.

That weary chestnut is complimented by a bevy of equally "original" characters like cowardly rich guys; moronic youngster who fall in love within 5 seconds, and knowing scientists who take hours to start shouting "Take cover": This movie has everything you want in an utterly cliched movie and more.

One of the most laughably bad scripts I've had to sit though in a long time. And people around here poke fun at "Interstellar?" This is a reminder how we need to fall down on our knees and praise movies like "Interstellar" that at least try to say something smart.

At least if the effects in "San Andreas" were worth waiting out the doldrums, it might have made sitting through the movie worthwhile, but they weren't even that good. Just average computer bits showering down all over the place.

And you know the pace: SPFX -- talk -- SPFX -- talk --- and talk -- and talk. And what talk. Who writes scripts like "San Andreas" -- some rich producer's wife while she's having her nails done, chatting on the phone and watching a Lifetime movie? Once can only sit and scoff at the jello for lines the actors are given to work with.

Even the mass of muscle known as The Rock looked weak and helpless about making this dog work. Even worse, it manages to make the smartest actor in Hollywood, Paul Giamatti look like an eyeball rolling puffin -- whose magical computer model predicts the end of the West Coast but doesn't tell him to at least put a call into a disaster agency to share the news.

Word to director: When you're filming the apocalypse, next time try not to shoot the whole thing in medium closeup -- just ready for that leap to TV where it belongs. Poor TV.