Review of Romance & Cigarettes (2005) by Elizabeth H — 21 May 2010

At first this movie seems ok. A girl puts a lit cigarette between her Dad's toes. He's tubby and snores a lot. The cigarette burns him and its funny. Then the fatty fights with his wife and suddenly- he starts singing. Its a flippin' musical!! I don't like them because they put me to sleep. I'd rather pick bugs off a scabby goat. The dudes on the street dance while he sings. Its very very very hard to watch. If there's no boobs in this movie, it's gonna suck. I slept for a while. My human wants me to give it a chance. A stupid cop sings a stupid song that made me scratch my head. It could end up good if the 3 evil daughters go psycho and take up hatcheting bad fathers. There is way too much talking. Look- I don't care about your feelings stupid characters! Please do something better than singing stupid songs!!! Its very artsy fartsy. Personally if you imagine idiotic musical numbers in your head to deal, you are certifiable. Throw some poo, why don't you? I guess they're all good actors but its hard to tell the way its made is so kooky, I think it might be a comedy. The music is terrible and pompous. On the up side, when they aren't singing, which is not very often, the language is horribly foul, and I mean nasty. My human loves to torture me and make me watch movies like this. There were more uncalled for musical numbers and I died a little inside. Its rather hard to look at it. The director should stop making movies immediately! The Cohen Brothers paid for this trash heap to be made and they really should have used aliases, I lost a lot of respect for them on this project. I recognized a lot of the actors. It kept making me confused, the musical numbers were excruciating, like being rammed in the arse with a hot poker, but the regular parts were so filthy and the girl from the Titanic talked so dirty that I jumped on the couch!! Christopher Walkin tried to save it with a cameo but didn't. The mouths on these actors are filthy, but good God, the songs are just so bad. Its almost unforgivable. Its non-entertainment and whats worse, is every time it shows some promise, they freaking start dancing and singing. I have never yearned for the death of every single character more. Jason, Michael please show up and chop them up! I have contemplated suicide at least five times watching this movie. The highlight of this film was the VERY LOUD AND TOTALLY GROSS FARTS. The panty talk is also good! There was a pretty funny girl fight. There was a ball licking reference and anus licking references too. I'm torn. I'd like this movie if I didn't have to sit through the musical parts. Its a sinister ploy to keep monkey watching. I feel dirty and cheated for sitting through this monster turd of a movie. I regret it a lot. It gets a half star for pity and 3 stars for some of the most foul language and disgusting sex references that made me tingle in my privates. Add another half star for having 3 bonus items on my checklist. I took away 3 stars for the truly awkward and bad musical numbers. If I could sum up this movie, its why life is like forced anal penetration and how it is an intrusion and it hurts. Another theme is if you blurt out filth freely, you sound honest but very monkey-like. One Star and a hurt psyche is what I ended up with.

Checklist:

X Pee Reference.

X Poop Reference.

X Boob Reference.

Small People Reference.

Vomit Reference.

X Sex Reference (EXCESSIVE).

X Male Genitalia Reference.

X Female Genitalia Reference.

Primate Reference.

Monkey-People Reference.

X Fart Reference.

Monkey/Human Love Reference.

Bigfoot Reference.

X Masturbation Reference.

X Violence Reference.

Excretion On Another Being Reference.

Pee Sighting.

Poop Sighting.

Boob Sighting.

Small People Sighting.

Vomit Sighting.

X Sex Sighting.

X Male Genitalia Sighting.

X Female Genitalia Sighting.

Primate Sighting.

Talking Animal Sighting.

Monkey Mahem Sighting.

Butt Jokes.

X Farts (VERY LOUD AND GROSS).

Monkey In Tree Sighting.

Masturbation Sighting.

X Violence Sighting.

Poop Throwing Sighting.

Excretion On Another Being Sighting.

Blood Spray Sighting.

Fire Sighting.

Slobber or Drool Sighting.

Bonus Checklist:

X Cucumber in Booty Reference.

X Fingering of Booty Hole Reference.

X Literal Ass Kissing Reference and Sighting.

Poodle Stomping Sighting.

Monkey/Human Love Sighting.

Monkey Pooping his Diapers.

Falling Baby Monkey Sighting.

Monkey-People Sighting.

Bigfoot Sighting.

Flaming Penis Sighting.

Mickey Rourke's crusty toes Sighting.