Review of Rollerball (2002) by Chablis L — 30 Jun 2013

Original post date: 9.10.2005.

Let's face it, this summer's movie offerings have been less than stellar. War of the Worlds was pretty cool, even though Tom Cruise was in it and despite the fact that it was a remake. Revenge of the Sith wasn't the best movie ever, but it was an exciting event. Mr. and Mrs. Smith was fun, but seemed overshadowed by all the Brad/Jennifer/Angelina hoopla. Fantastic Four was dull. Cinderella Man seemed out of place. And the remakes were out of control: The Longest Yard, The Honeymooners, Bewitched, Dark Water, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bad news Bears, Dukes of Hazzard.

Seriously...are there NO original script ideas out there? Oh right, those are called "indie films," and they're all too weird to be shown in normal movie theatres; and as artistic and brilliantly acted and strikingly moving as they may be, they're not exactly "entertaining" in the summer blockbuster sense, because who wants to spend a hot afternoon staring at an escaped mental patient finding lesbian love on a peanut farm or a grungy drifter who finds his life has new meaning when he gets a gig performing magic tricks at an old folks home? I SURE DON'T!

How many TV-shows-turned-movies do we have to put up with before we start rioting in the streets? What will they hit us with next month? A remake of The A-Team with George "I just play myself in every movie" Clooney as Hannibal, Jim "I rehash all my old gags, especially the walking dinosaur thing" Carrey as Murdock, Brad "I like to be in movies with George Clooney" Pitt as Face, and Cedrick "My middle name is The" Entertainer as B.A. Baracus? (shudder).

How about Jack Black as "Columbo, the Early Years?" or J-Lo as "Rhoda" or Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock as "Laverne & Shirley"? "Hey! Let's make a M*A*S*H movie! Oh wait...didn't Robert Altman already do one? Who cares? No one remembers that old thing! Somebody get Matt and Ben on the horn!".

Is this the problem...all the current Hollywood execs grew up in the 70s and have had years of wet dreams re-casting their favorite TV shows? "Wouldn't Julia Roberts be great as Mary Tyler Moore? How about Harrison Ford as Barney Miller? Eugene Levy as Mr. Kotter? Rene Zellweger as Flo? Matt and Ben as Simon & Simon?" AAAA!!! Get over it! Your remakes are driving me CRAZY!

Forget the lame TV-shows-turned-movies, the absolute worst abomination...Hollywood's most shameful stain on the history of filmmaking...the movie remakes. What bothers me the most about this disgrace is that younger generations who have no background in film history have NO idea that these remakes are remakes! "Flight of the Phoenix sucked, man." "Which one?" "Huh? There's more than one?" Yes, you idiot. Why don't you step away from the X-Box for a few minutes and learn something about your country's greatest art form?

I'm starting a new Film Primer to help those poor unfortunates whose parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends never took the time to educate them about film. Below are the first three; I'll add to this list when I have more time. For a primer on classic film, check out my blog entry dated 9.28.2004.

Rollerball, 1975 (remake same name, 2002).

Director Norman Jewison's sci-fi tale of a future in which powerful corporations run the world and humanity's bloodlust is satiated by an X-treme sport called rollerball. James "I have a clothes hanger for shoulders" Caan as Jonathan E. will have you chanting, "Jon-a-than! Jon-a-than!" by film's end. The grainy, discolored 70s film texture and groovy futuristic costuming and décor date it a bit; but it's a powerful film nonetheless and far superior to the childish remake.

Flight of the Phoenix, 1965 (remake same name, 2004).

An amazing cast led by Jimmy Stewart, including Richard Attenborough, Peter Finch, George Kennedy, Ernie Borgnine and Dan Duryea. A fantastic screenplay, directed beautifully. What makes this film a classic is the rich, well-developed characters...their inner struggles, their fears, their resolve, how they interact with one another in a desperate situation. These celebrated actors under the direction of Robert Aldrich give this film muscle. You come to know these characters intimately, you care about them, you experience their tension, frustration, anxiety and ultimately their victory. It's called "character development," which has nothing to do with big blow-things-up scenes or a lot of tough talk. In my opinion, classics are sacrosanct, and a young student of film should not have to choose between Dennis Quaid or Jimmy Stewart; or worse, believe that Quaid's version is the only one out there.

The Thomas Crown Affair, 1968 (remake same name, 1999).

Again, Norman Jewison, director. This is a film to be WATCHED. Not necessarily listened to or intently followed; but simply viewed...ogled like a handsome dame with a sharp sense of style. Michel Legrand's "Windmills of Your Mind" lulls you into a tranquil state of hipness as you watch Steve "too cool for school" McQueen and Faye "count how many costume changes I make" Dunaway define sophisticated cool. "Style" should have received equal billing with the actors. It doesn't really matter what the characters are talking about; it's more of a training film on how to be irresistibly chic. Suddenly, you're aware of how pedestrian your sweat pants and glass of beer really are. You decide to invest in a smoking jacket and start mixing martinis. Forget poker night with those dull-as-dirt neighbors...you're taking up chess and buying a dune buggy! The remake (which I have seen) may tell a better story, but Pierce "make me hurl violently like I just ate a plate of crab that was sitting in the sun for two weeks" Brosnan and Rene "my head is more quadratic than Spongebob Squarepants" Russo just do not compare to Steve and Faye. Besides that, the original was an original; it did its own thing. Why mess with it? That's like adding four new spices to the Colonel's Original Recipe.