Review of Rock of Ages (2012) by Michael D — 31 Mar 2013

I'm still kicking myself for watching this mess. I'm blaming cheap wine and a lonely night. That said, here's my review.

#1 - Alec Baldwin is the Michael Caine of his generation. He'll take a paycheck for just about anything.

#2 - Russell Brand's 15:00 of fame is officially 14:59 too long.

#3 - Julianne Hough is the whitest woman on earth. Diego Boneta is a close second place.

#4 - Malin Akerman needs to call her agent and insist there is a "no singing into my butt" clause in all future scripts.

#5 - In Tom cruise's bid to be a triple threat, he has proven that he can't act or sing. Time for a round of "Dancing with the Stars?".

#6 - Dear Anne Hathaway, pay very close attention to Catherine Zeta-Jones. This is you in 10 years. We get it - you can both sing, dance and act. Apparently, you just can't pick good films.

#7 - The only reason I can think for the existence of Mary J. Blige in this movie is that the producers wanted to apologize for making us listen to everyone else.