Review of Robot Monster (1953) by Paul P — 07 Jun 2007

Before "Manos", Before "Plan 9", There was This... :=8P.

Woohoo!! To say the Robot Monster is the grand-daddy of all stinky moovies does not give it justice enough. For it is with Phil Tucker's (Cape Canaveral Monsters) epic failure that the true genre of stinky films come to fruition. And what smelly fruit it is!!

:=8P.

The MooCow can cowtribute little to the reams of writing which already discusses Tucker's monstrosity, but some details are worth noting again and again.

The inexcusably cheap and laughable props and fx include a bubble machine, stock-footage "giant" lizards, and a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on(George Barrows, Mesa of Lost Women, Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, Hillbillies in a Haunted House).

Yes, Ro-Man is quite the terrifying monster; few scenes can match the intense, overall hilarity of watching his pudgy, fuzzy form amble to and fro amongst the rocks, or watching him flap his furry arms menacingly. And what the heck is going on with these stock-footage "giant" reptiles that show up every now and then, whether the plot calls for them or not? For stinky moovie buffs, these are the same fake critters that show up in The Mole People, The Lost World, and about a thousand udder cheap stinkers. Cowever, NO ONE else has that bubble machine - what a terrifying device of horror!! LOL :=8D.

In addition to the poorest possible production values, Robot Monster is also blessed with wretched performances, scatter-brained direction, and jaw-dropping dialogue:

"You look like a pooped-out pinwheel"/ "Now I will kill you ".

"Is there a choice between a painless surrender-death, or the horror of resistance-death? ".

When the critics lambasted his pitiful attempt at film-making, Director/Producer Tucker tried to cowmit suicide. Not even Ed Wood made a film as poor as Robot Monster(although Glen or Glenda comes purty darn close!). Stinky trivia fans should note that Writer Wyott Ordung also wrote Target: Earth, and acted in Monster from the Ocean Floor.

No kidding, guys, this film absolutely MOOST be seen to be believed, and the MooCow heartily recowmends that all stinky moovie fans have a copy of Robot Monster in their stinky cowlections. Try to avoid the 3D version, which interrupts the flow of stink with headache-inducing, poor 3D effects.

The MooCow's favorite scene shows Ro-Man clumsily discovering that he's in love with "Ahh-lice", and spouting out his moost famous lines:

"Yes, to be like the Hu-man, to laugh and feel and want! Why are these things not in The Plan?".

The MooCow also loves worthless Claudia Barrett(as "Ahh-lice"), who gets picked up and carried around by everyone so often she should have handles grafted onto her hips.

They don't make 'em like this anymoore!! The MooCow says get yer hooves on a copy of Robot Monster now, and watch out for those bubbles!!!

;=8).