Review of Robo Vampire (1988) by Wayne K — 09 Dec 2015

If I told you about a movie where a group of drug smugglers begin using the coffins of Vampires to transport their Heroin, only to be foiled by a dead soldier brought back to life as a cyborg, you would say, 'That sounds ridiculous', and you'd be right.

But you have absolutely no idea just HOW right. What we have here is truly one of the most frustratingly incomprehensible films I've ever watched, but coming from notorious schlock director Godfrey Ho, you really can't expect anything else.

Everything about this film is wrong on oh-so many levels. Even it's title is inaccurate, as 'Robo Vampire' would suggest to me that the film centres on a creature which is part Robot, part Vampire.

Instead, we get a Robot fighting a Vampire, and on far, FAR too many occasions. The ending fight sequence is about 12 minutes long but feels more like 30. Scenes end abruptly, the dubbing' has been done with little care and attention, the special effects are dreadful and everything is cobbled together in a fashion that is nonsensical on every level.

It feels less like a single movie with multiple plot-lines, and more like several movies with one plot line spliced together to create a giant, confusing, headache-inducing mess. I will admit to laughing on many occasions, particularly during the stunningly awful fight scenes.

I loved the fact that all the guns fire sparks, and that some of them actually appear to be bent at the end. Also, in an especially memorable scene a soldier can be clearly seen laughing as a deadly Vampire approaches him.

Did I mention the Vampire in question is wearing what looks like a King Kong mask? Yes, the film is THAT bad. If you want an experience that will change the way you think about conventional bad movies, then by all means enter the warped world of Godfrey Ho, where Vampires don't suck blood, every gun makes the same sound regardless of type or size, and every single person, living, dead or otherwise, is a martial arts master.