Review of Red Sonja (1985) by Matthew B — 22 Jul 2008

Movie Pitch: Bridgette Niesel sets out on a personal quest to stop a device from destroying the world, and along the way she meets up with Arnold Schwarzenager NOT playing Conan. This NOT Conan does pretty much everything in order to keep everyone alive and on their quest, but everyone knows Sonja's giant red mullet is the star of this show.

Summary: Some bitches forgot to change the speed on the "Talismen Chamber" doors, and gave the militant lying in way the perfect 5 minutes of combat they needed in order to stop it before it had closed.

Thats why we need Red Sonja! One woman where a church of woman had failed. She has to embark on a perilous journey to kill Queen Gedron, quench the light of the Talismen, and fight with Arnold in the most uncomfortable sexual tension i've ever experienced in a movie. The chemistry between the two only shown then they were exchanging language barriers talking in English. And that was all the chemistry there was. Though I'm sure when people are reading a script of lines they don't even understand, it's hard to make it sound believable. Thankfully they did a crap lousy job of it.

Obviously the day is saved via the trafficking of widely outrageous scenes, repetitious lines and scenes, a robotic sea monster that couldn't see without it's eyes (?!), and a little child everyone wanted to punt off the side of Snake Mountain or wherever the hell they were.

Rating: Red Sonja was terrible. I award it no points, and may god have mercy on our souls.