Review of Red Sonja (1985) by Scott J — 07 Aug 2008

Break-through performances, unique costume designs, a powerful story, imaginative and well-developed characters, tight action scenes and amazing special effects.

OK, now imagine the opposite. Then you would have Red Sonja or as it's commonly known, "That movie where Arnold acts sort of like Conan, but doesn't actually play Conan, and is mainly about a tall, redhead sword wielding chick that has been married to Sly Stone and Flavor Flav." Note: The characters Red Sonja and Conan were both created by visionary pulp writer Robert E. Howard.

Goofy costumes galore (Ahnold Schwartzenegger, as Kalidor, wears a maroon jumpsuit with gold trim and a ridiculous cod piece) and unfunny moments dominate the screen in-between below average action scenes. Besides unfunny jokes, the script is fairly dull and juvenile. Sandahl Bergman, who plays Arnold's love interest in the under appreciated "Conan The Barbarian", plays a power mad Evil-Lyn clone that Red Sonja must stop.

A key scene involves a battle with robotic sea monster that couldn't see once it's eyes were removed. No joke. Read that again. I'm not saying it was a fake looking monster (although it was), but that the thing trying to kill our heroes in this land of magic and swords was an actual electronic machine in the form of a dragon or serpent. Oh, and no explanation was offered for its origin.

Another action highlight is the exploding fortress at the end of the movie (Spoiler!) when the neon green glowing orb of power or whatever is destroyed. A scene showing a tower exploding is repeated every 20 seconds or so as our heroes escape. OK, if that wasn't bad enough to reshow the same footage, but just the fact that the tower must've been a storage room for dynamite and grenades. I think the fortress is still exploding today.

Ernie Reyes Jr. (The Last Dragon) is annoying enough as the spoiled prince that you wouldn't mind seeing him take a sword to his face after about 30 seconds on screen. And yes of course the filmmakers had the little adorable Asian boy show off his karate moves against the bad guys. Reyes Jr., who is a fairly accomplished martial arts actor these days, apparently had some training as a kid, but it looked as believable as any 9-year-old boy trying moves he saw in some movie.

In short, this movie has little going for it. Definitely very little on the cool, imaginative entertaining side and not enough cheesiness to warrant repeated viewings.