Review of Red Dawn (1984) by Jeff H — 12 Apr 2011

Back in the 80s, when cheese ruled and before Charlie Sheen was a total bitchin' rockstar from Mars, he and Patrick Swayze teamed up for a little propoganda film called Red Dawn. The movie eventually went on to become an action classic, reminding people of the best the 80s had to offer. I honestly don't see why, as it is one of the worst films I've seen in quite some time.

The ridiculous premise goes that the United States has become isolated as World War III slowly begins around them. Then one day, a Russian army parachutes into the Rocky Mountains and the invasion of America has begun. A small group of high schoolers flee their small Colorado town and go into hiding in the mountains. Together, the group band together and become a guerilla squad known as the Wolverines. The kids give the invaders hell, but how long can they hold out against the vastly superior army?

Going into Red Dawn, I didn't expect anything fantastic or wonderful. I was promised some good, cheesy 80s fun. I am afraid to say that that promise is not fulfilled in any way, shape, or form.

The biggest problem comes with the way this film is written. The premise itself is ridiculous, stupid, and outlandish, but could have worked had the film not taken itself so seriously. That's not the issue. The issue is the characters and the dialogue. There is not one three-dimensional character in this movie, and not one single interesting line of dialogue spoken throughout the entire two-hour runtime. We don't get an opportunity to get to know any of the characters, and therefore can't form any emotional attachment to them.

In fact, the film really feels like you should be attached to the characters, as many scenes try to play off your emotions. But I kept asking myself in these scenes "why should I give a flying fuck?" And there is no good reason. What, because they're kids? Because they're AMERICAN kids? Who cares? Half the time, I was hoping they would just get shot already. Fortunately, *SPOILER* my wish was finally granted about an hour and fifty minutes in *END SPOILER*. The script gives us nothing to work with to develop these characters at all.

As a matter of fact, it seems to avoid character development altogether. I remember one scene where the pilot (the only character I actually liked or cared about) has made friends with one of the girls (I don't know her name, but I didn't care enough remember it). Sheen (or some other guy) and him then get to talking about how she's so quiet. Then he says "Something happened to her..." END SCENE. What the fuck? That was the beginning of what could have been an interesting conversation (*gasp*, character development!), and they just drop it like it's nothing.

So at this point, the film can at least make up for these pitfalls with some cool action, right? Hell no. There really aren't very many action scenes; most of the movie is just them camping in the woods. And what action there is is uninspired and not much fun. Seriously, the novelty of kids pwning an entire army wears off after the second scene. I felt like these scenes should have been cool, but then again, "Why should I give a flying fuck?".

In short, if you feel the need to check out this "classic," just don't. A ridiculous but potentially fun premise is wasted with bad acting, a terribly written script, and uninspired and boring action. Really, the entire film comes off as one big anti-commie/pro-America propoganda flick screaming "America, fuck yeah!" I can indulge in a little pride for my country in a fun action flick, but not when it comes in such a stupid package.

There are rumors that there's a remake coming up later this year. If there really is, let's hope they can at least make it over the low bar this piece of crap has set.