Review of Ready Player One (2018) by Julian D — 07 Apr 2018

I am a parent of an 8-year old and I write this movie review at 3 am on a Sunday because we can't sleep, so why the hell not?

"We?" You ask. Yes, we. But I'll get to that in a minute. First, be warned, there are spoilers ahead, but if you have kids, and I know you do, these spoilers will save your life, or at the very least, will stop your 8-yr-old from being permanently traumatized, and it will certainly save you from more than a few sleepless nights.

The movie Ready Player One is rated PG-13, which in a rainy spring-break day-off Thursday is more than good enough for me. And it's also showing at the Alamo! What parent can say no to that? If the movie sucks (which it does) at least I'll have a beer and a killer Cobb salad guaranteed. What can go wrong? Little did I know.

So off we went, me and my kids, just in time for lunch, to watch the latest cinematic marvel of Mr. Spielberg, who is, last time I checked, a parent. Which makes this entire movie all the more puzzling for reasons that will become evident in a minute.

First off, yes, it is a terrible movie. It's about a gang of ridiculous characters whose lives are in constant peril only they aren't because the characters are literally sitting in a chair the entire time playing some virtual reality game where you pretend to be whomever you want and have access to all the guns in the world and can kill anyone and turn them into coins in exchange. Or something. The stakes are so low I dozed off after five minutes and was pretty bored the entire time.

Well, ALMOST the entire time. Because about half way in, Spielberg, in all his wisdom-and probably just as bored with the thing as I was-decided to add a twist in the plot. And what a twist it was! I imagine he had a conversation with his producer that went something like this:

SPIELBERG: "Hey, I got an awesome idea, why don't we insert, out of fricking nowhere, a scene from the Shining into this thing?".

PRODUCER: "I'm sorry, Steven, The Shining?".

SPIELBERG: "Yeah, wouldn't it be awesome?".

PRODUCER: "THE The Shining? You mean The Stephen King The Shining? That The Shining?".

SPIELBERG: "Yes, it would be a riot. I'm thinking that in the middle of the movie our heroes -who are playing this ridiculous game with no damn logic whatsoever to begin with-suddenly find themselves at the Overlook hotel. Wouldn't it be cool? The scene starts smack in the center of that that creepy empty library where Nicholson loses his shit and writes the same thing over and over, remember?".

PRODUCER: "Yes. I remember. We all remember. How can anyone forget? But, Steven, dear, this is a kid's movie. Parents' worst nightmare is if their kids start smoking pot before they reach their last year of high school followed by their kids watching The Shining before they are ready to vote. Are you sure this is wise?".

SPIELBERG: "Of course I'm sure! It'll be fine. We'll make it fun, you know, Spielberg fun, and the kids and the parents will love it!".

PRODUCER: "Will they?".

SPIELBERG: "Yes, I'm telling you, it'll be a riot!".

No. It really wouldn't, and it wasn't.

I'll go ahead and assume we all watched the Shining and remember it as one of the most traumatic episodes of our youth. Even if, I'm sure, we DID NOT watch it when we were eight but much, much older, and yet it still comes up on our therapy sessions on Thursdays.

Remember the creepy twins in the hallway? Yep, they are in the movie. And remember that scene of the elevator and the blood coming out like a river from hell? That's there too. In fact, all the characters get trapped in the river of blood and almost drown in it. But that's not all. Because of course one of the characters decides to hide from the river of blood in one of the rooms, and inside that room guess who's there? Come on, I dare you. Guess. Yes. The naked lady in the bathtub is who's there. I know.

By then I, like every other parent in the theatre, was in total disbelief, holding my fork stupidly in the air with mouth agape. Unfortunately by then I had obviously forgotten about Adrian, my 8-year-old, sitting next to me, who, unbeknownst to me, was also watching this scene with an open mouth and unable to scream.

I only remember I have this little innocent creature next to me about to watch the most terrifying scene in the most terrifying movie in history, AFTER the camera turns toward the mirror in the room for all of us to see that the pretty naked lady is really an old cadaver of a woman in extremely, I mean extremely advanced stages of putrefaction. Then I remember Adrian. But it's already too damn late.

I stretched my arm as fast as I can to cover Adrian's terrified little face-and in doing so almost poke his eye out with my fork, which, I figured, would be preferable than watching the naked zombi anyway-but it was of no use. Not only my kid could still see between my fingers holding the fork, but Spielberg thought the original scene wasn't terrifying enough, so he went up a nudge. I'm sorry, did I say a nudge? He went up six floors and CGI-ed the hell out this putrefying lady, made her 10 times more scary and gory than the original because why the hell not. And then he gave her a knife to kill everyone around her. But still he wasn't finished. Then he gave her an ax and multiplied her by twenty so there were dead terrifying ladies all around the hotel wrecking bloody havoc. It wasn't quaint Jack Torrance's character limping and chasing you in the maze (yes, we even get to the maze), that would have been too boring an expected. Oh no, it's the old ladies, plural, laughing maniacally and carrying a bloody ax and jumping out of nowhere and killing everyone in sight and turning them into coins, you know, for consistency's sake. It's basically The Shining on steroids, if you can imagine that.

The movie still lasts an extra 90 minutes after this scene but by then you don't care. You know that life as you know it will never be the same. You don't care about chasing the bacon in your Cobb salad anymore because what's the point? Your kid has seen The Fricking Shining and you were sitting next to him and you did not stop it.

Now, ask me where has Adrian slept the last three nights? In his parents bedroom flanked by his mom and dad, clenching the bed sheets over his face, looking terrified and probably wishing his dad had a loaded shotgun to kill the old lady who's surely about to jump from behind the bathroom door, that's where he's slept.

So, if you have kids and have already seen this movie with them, I'm very sorry. I should tell you that we're having a support group starting next Wednesday so please come by and bring the kids. We shall overcome. If you haven't seen it, however, then you're welcome. I just saved you three nights and counting of sleepless agony.

And thank you Mr. Spielberg. That sure was a riot.