Review of Private School (1983) by Eric U — 05 Nov 2018

Co-written with Suzanne O'Malley, Private School is Dan Greenburg's unconnected successor to Private Lessons. While young, irrational lust is a critical theme of both films, Private Lessons offers decent characterization and the semblance of a plot and character arc. In the earlier film the occasional appearance of Sylvia Kristel's breasts and rear end make sense. By the end Philly has transformed from a sneaky, shy, MILF-crazed adolescent to an over-confident, MILF-crazed adolescent (aside: Sylvia Kristel, the titular Emmanuel of many films, makes a reluctant appearance in Private School as sex-ed teacher, Ms. Copuletta, to fulfill contractual obligations to the film's producers).

Private School, abandoning plot and characterization, opts for a pastiche of sex pranks, which inevitably result in exposed boobs - so many boobs. And the vast majority of these boobs belong to unnamed characters. Christine, played by Phoebe Cates, has a steady boyfriend Jim, Mathew Modine, but her dorm-mate, Jordan, played by Betsy Russell, ain't having it and sets about to break them up. In the equestrian center, during horsey practice, she flashes her breasts to him, as you do, at which point Jim's friend, Bubba (a tepid version of John Belushi's Bluto character if you will) triumphantly rips off the rest of her top at which point she guides her steed on a topless gallop around the arena. While Jordan isn't the least bit fazed at her exposure because she clearly has a Bad Motherfucker wallet, it's hard not to envision these male characters will have some explaining to do should they run for political office or obtain high-powered Hollywood jobs in the future.

The film cherry-picks the fun and memorable scenes from Animal House and Porky's: a women's locker room; much climbing on the sides of red-brick school buildings and peering through windows. Bubba even passes up a chance at intercourse with his girlfriend to climb out the window to spy on his cross-dressed friend, Jim, with Jordan.

But redemption sometimes follows sin. Aside from spying breasts, the film's characters never have any clear desires aside from Jordan who wants to break-up Christine and Jim in an escalation of their prank war. Like Glenn Close's Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction, Jordan steals the show here. With her father on his seventh marriage, she can hardly be blamed for some cynicism about Jim and Christine's relationship. Without the need to boil a rabbit or brandish a knife, Jordan keenly exposes the thin ice upon which Christine and Jim's relationship is built.