Review of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015) by Shenal T — 29 Apr 2015
Paul Blart 2: Revenge of the Mall is perhaps the greatest effort of humanity to date. Starring Kevin James as our Christ and Saviour, we pray that he one day will release Paul Blart 3: Reveng of Jamal to the general public, but for now only Shaq and Gandhi are allowed to watch it for now.
Blart's struggle with diabetes is very relatable to many people around the world, with Blart having a sugar induced seizure being a climatic scene. The setting of Jamal is very enticing, with Jamal playing the token black guy that eats fried chicken, drinks watermelons, plays basketball, and starts riots in Baltimore.
In fact, Paul rides into Baltimore on his baller segway in a crucial scene in which he says to the rioters: Get out of my mall, jamal. In a mass suicide never seen before, the entire city commited sudoku on the spot (spoilers!).
It really defines Blart as an american hero, destined to kill the army of negroes created by Jamal. Before this movie, I have stage 5 terminal brain cancer, but now I am on the list of the world's top ten healthiest people, tied with Robin Williams for number one (Paul Blart is ommitted from the list since he is too pure.
). The movie ends with Blart going 88 miles per hour on his segway, taking Michael Fox to 1966 and destroying the 3rd Reich in an epic knife fight against mein glorious fuhrer, Mohammad Ali himself. After winning in a homage to the first movie, Blart frees all of the jews from their cages so they can once again work minimum wage at the local costco.
This movie is literally god itself. You will laugh. You will cry. You will ejaculate all over the child in front of you as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2: Return to Jamal starts playing. Jesus Christ died for this movie, if he were alive today he would kill himself so they could make another, thats how good this fuckin movie is.
You are literal shit scum if you dont watch this movie, and you will die a horrible, painful death, knowing you couldn't watch this masterpiece. I was homeless, now Im not. Thats how good this movie was.
This has been Paul Blart with your Channel 7 news, stay safe, and stay in the theaters, watching Paul Blart 2: Revenge of Jamal.
This review of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015) was written by Shenal T on 29 Apr 2015.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 has generally received negative reviews.
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