Review of Pan (2015) by Andreia C — 11 Dec 2015
"You know what would make Black Beard scarier than he's ever been? If he looked like a transvestite with full-blown AIDS and a Guy Fawkes fetish. Also, wouldn't it be cool if WWII era Neverland pirates chanted Nirvana and Ramones lyrics for really no reason?".
No on both counts. This movie is extremely awkward. Hugh Jackman looks like he had the same makeup artist as Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club. He seriously looks like he's dying from a severe terminal illness throughout this movie. Is it AIDS? Lymphoma? Bad flu? Crippling opiate addiction? Yeah, he's got magic that keeps him young or whatever, but does that mean he should look like he's made one too many bad decisions in West Hollywood?
Also, Garrett Hedlund talks like a Jimmy Stewart caricature suffering from a mild stroke.
And Tiger Lily, the Native American character, is played by Rooney Mara, who's about as Native American as a pilgrim. All the acting chops on on the planet can't change the fact that this lady has the ethnic ambiguity of mayonnaise.
There's also a sword fight at the end that has the choreography of a LARPing session at the palsy clinic.
You know, if we pack this movie with enough poor judgement and make everything about the characters distractingly out-of-place, the audience won't notice that everything they do is stupid! It's brilliant!
This movie sucks whatever Hugh Jackman did to look like that.
This review of Pan (2015) was written by Andreia C on 11 Dec 2015.
Pan has generally received mixed reviews.
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