Review of Noah (2015) by Gina B — 12 Mar 2015

My god. Oh, I'm sorry, my "creator". Darren Aronofsky may have tried to build an ark, but in the end his hubris built a Tower of Babel, and some divine power really should have struck it down before it made it to theatres. Now, I am a huge Aronofsky fan, and I'd been looking forward to this film for years. I've defended and praised every film the man has made (even the divisive The Fountain) and held him second only to P.T. Anderson in my esteem for contemporary filmmakers. Yet this overly long retelling of the classic story of faith, minus the faith, is damn near unwatchable. From its super serious tone undercut by strange attempts at humor (I'm willing to admit, I missed the mention of rock monsters in the original Genesis story, and was corrected that they were meant to represent the Nephilim, but that hardly excuses the "they're in good hands" pun one makes as Noah goes to visit Hannibal Methuselah Lecter). For an atheist who wanted to take a realistic approach to the Noah story, there are quite a lot of logical missteps here.

Of course, were this a straight forward Biblical film, it would be silly to try and apply logic to it. Unless you're an absolute literalist (which no one is, cause ain't nobody sacrificing doves and goats when someone gets their period), then to a certain degree Biblical stories are just those, stories and sometimes allegories about faith. But once you decide to make a "realistic" retelling as Aronofsky does, you invite a realistic level of critique. So whether its Emma Watson's magically quick pregnancy and bizarre labor, or the astounding level of distress Noah's son has about a girl dying when you literally straight up know there's a God and angels and heaven where she'll be eternally happy rather than living on the most miserable depiction of Noah's Ark in history, there's countless moments that swap out triumphant "Hosannah"s for perplexed and frustrated "Huh?"s. Russell Crowe and co. do what they can with the abysmal script, and the truth is all of the fault lies with the director. The sheer audacity to think he can tell a better story than the (arguably) greatest book in history, and the overly long, overly dark, overtly pointless product of that audacity, indeed serves as a more fitting Biblical parable for humility and faithfulness than the story he chose to "adapt". I thought the worst thing that happened if you strayed from the Word of God is you'd end up in hell, but it turns out there's something worse: you could wind up making Noah.