Review of Max Payne (2008) by Chriss. — 13 Oct 2008

First: Sorry for the bad English. Marky Mark plays badly, kunis even worse, bridges and o'donell are useless - I won't even mention that ludacris is also acting (or at least trying to). Very, very bad action movie! the story - not that I was expecting anything interesting or moving - is picked with plot holes; scenarios are wildly jumping and seem to be loosly connected and cut together (god-awful cutter!).

But I learned some things: 1. when armed and going into a room - shoot wildly after entering, never try to aim. (yes, just like the enemys in the game) 2. if you ever need someone to play a female russian gangster, choose someone with a 'slight' foreign accent - no one will recognize it and after a while she doesn't need to fake the accent anymore.

3. If you ever try to make a 'dark', gritty movie, don't give a s**** about different weather conditions and how they work together (snow-rain-day-night within two scenes) - just add snow in all scenes, it will work and look really good.

4. if two persons need to talk , let them get out of a car into heavy rain and start the dialog there - dramatical effects garanteed! 5. if you need to know something about norse mythology, go to a tattoo-shop and ask the tattoo artist - he knows everything about it and has lots of books at hand (everyone has, right?).

6. if your finished movie needs something to make it more - hmm, let say interesting - add random black cgi-'angels' (or valkyr or whatever they called it). People will like it altough no one knows why (transformers worked too, right).

7. if you ever capture the good, but at the same time dangerous and unpredicable leading man and want to kill him - explain first your evil plot (YES, you had to kill his woman AND child just for the sake of it - even though you were his fathers best friend), then tell your henchman to lower his weapon AND last but not least uncuff the guy to tie him with a rope.

No he will NOT try to get away,no never ever... 8. THE Absolute Best Idea to put the blame on the good guy: Tie him down with a rope, put two ampullae in his pockets and claim that it was suicide. Hey - he's a cop, no one will ask questions.

9. if you are member of a SWAT Team, forget all the your Training - try to confront everything head-on, never think about to surround someone, shoot without aming and do it all the time, because even if you hit, it doesnt matter much (see below).

10. ALWAYS wear your black leather jacket - it offers protection against shotgun bullets (close range of course)! 11. If you ever jump in ice-cold water and can barely get out of it again, the best way not to freeze to death is taking a drug you've never seen before - you will be invincible after usage, hurray!!! 12.

The Movie lacks Sex-Appeal? No prob - just add some amazingly hot chick (transformers, wanted?!) and let her die within the next two scenes (make sure she seduces the main character and gets undressed FIRST!) - people will remember her(see? I do) altough she is completly useless for the plot (or is she?!?!).

13. Need a brutal Bad-Guy to leave a mark? Give him a big knife, no shirt, tattoos(lots!) and let him sweat like he coming right out of a sauna. Oh, and mention that he was a brave soldier before the chemical tests made him to the uncontrollable beast that he is now (try NOT to think about bladerunners Roy Batty).

14. the best way to change a scene is letting the mentioned bad guy look dangerously after the good guy, watching his every step. Or: let him smile like he knows that he will 'win'. 15. End Credits need more attention! Add shooting weapons! Hurray! Thank god I didnt pay for the movie (press-sneak preview) If you need to watch a good AND interesting Action Movie - Go watch the Bourne Trilogy for example.