Review of Machete Kills (2013) by Pam E — 23 Nov 2013

Machete Kills is the sequel to the intentionally tongue-in-cheek "bad" Robert Rodriguez film Machete that starred muscular brute Danny Trejo (Spy Kids, xXx) as the title character. It was an homage of sorts to the shameless exploitation films the director grew up watching as a youth in this formative years as it was complete with howl-worthy dialogue, generally bad acting, flesh, sex and gratuitous violence.

I enjoyed that one ... I did. It made me laugh. This one, however, is just not as good. I laughed a few times here but this film is no longer an homage to another ... it is more of a joke Rodriguez believes he gets to play on movie watchers.

Trejo returns as Machete who is quickly dispatched by the President of the US (Charlie Sheen -- yep) to infiltrate and take down a Mexican arms dealer (Demian Bichir - A Better Life) with the help of a Texas beauty queen (Amber Heard - Pineapple Express).

He encounters a mean madam (Sofia Vergara - 'Modern Family') and a human chameleon hit-man (Cuba Gooding Jr. etc.) while on his mission. The plot is just one long joke and sight gag after another .

.. and it becomes too long although a cameo surprise appearance makes for a pretty good big baddie towards the end. The weapons with which Rodriguez arms his characters are the only great bits here -- we know Machete's weapon of choice as it has become his namesake but Vergara's Desdemona has a killer bustier and Bichir's villain is so crazy he has synched his beating heart to a nuclear bomb so that he cannot be killed.

The weapons did make me chuckle ... but that was just about the only laughs I had here other than learning that Machete "don't Tweet!" That is about it ... which is sad because it appears as if Machete will be back to "kill again" in space! (that isn't a spoiler .

.. we learn this before the movie ever begins) I didn't see the shark in this movie; but Machete most definitely jumped it here.