Review of Machete Kills (2013) by Thegodfatherson — 10 Oct 2013

Guns don’t kill. Machete Kills! Actually, the opening scene of this bizarre sequel to the even bizarre-er 2010 original Machete shows that guns do kill. They just don’t kill Machete (Danny Trejo), whom you’ll recall from the first film survived a shot to the head when the bullet was blocked by another bullet, already lodged in his skull.

Machete Kills continues director/co-writer Robert Rodriguez’s penchant for outrageous plot developments performed by “what-the?” casting choices. Mel Gibson plays a villain straight out of a Bond film Moonraker, to be precise.

Charlie Sheen (listed in the credits by his birth name, Carlos Estevez) follows in his father’s footsteps as the U.S. President. And Lady Gaga is introduced as “whoever she wants to be.” Name your box-office poison.

If Fatty Arbuckle were still around, he’d have a cameo for sure. Yet somehow, the results work. That’s probably because Rodriguez takes nothing seriously. The plot which could fit on the back of a cereal box, but only the really sugary kind involves a Mexican madman (Oscar nominee Demian Bichir) who wants the U.

S. to clean up the corruption in his country, or he’ll fire a nuclear warhead at Washington. (Apparently he’s been reading Madman Tactics for Dummies.) President Sheen, or Estevez, or whatever, calls on Machete to help.

“You know Mexico,” he tells the taciturn strongman. “Hell, you are Mexico.” Helping him will be a government agent played by Amber Heard. Her cover identity is beauty pageant winner Miss San Antonio, but has the operative gone too deep into character? In one scene she texts Machete: CU There! More about the story I cannot reveal.

It’s not that I’m against spoilers; I just wasn’t sure what was going on most of the time, although whatever it is, it’s as funny as a roadrunner cartoon and only about 2.5 times as violent. Machete faces off against La Camaleón, a shape-shifting assassin played by a bewildering array of actors (Cuba Gaga Banderas Jr.

, etc). He crosses paths with Desdemona (Sofia Vergara), whose 32F brassieres pack a 38-calibre punch. (You’ll never guess where she keeps her backup firepower.) He hooks up with former partner Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), who sports a sexy eye patch and has a feminist revolutionary poster on her wall that reads Shé.

And he makes use of a road-tunnel under the U.S.-Mexican border, stolen directly from 2009’s Fast & Furious. The movie runs for 107 minutes but features a ticking-clock timeline that allows it to pack more into 24 hours than, well, 24.

And it opens with a fake trailer for Machete Kills Again In Space! At least, I think it’s a fake trailer. You may recall that the first Machete sprang from just such a bogus teaser, attached to 2007’s Grindhouse.

So while Machete likes to say “Machete don’t” lines Machete don’t smoke, tweet, joke, etc. the one thing Machete seems destined to do is return.