Review of Machete Kills (2013) by Jc E — 10 Apr 2014

'Machete' was almost a so bad it's good flick. What did you really expect out of a movie that was based off a fake trailer from the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double feature, 'Grindhouse'? What you probably didn't expect was a sequel.

And let's just be honest here, there will probably be a third. And while we're being honest, can we just call this like we see it? It was bad. Not quite 'Battlefield Earth' bad, but right down there.

I know that Rodriguez was really trying to hit the high points of B-movie grindhouse features, but I think he did that with the first flick - while combining some needless social commentary about immigration.

It's pretty much the exact same thing here, which is the problem. It needed something fresh. And adding lightning rods Mel Gibson (The Beaver) and Charlie Sheen/Carlos Estavez ("Two and a Half Men") wasn't the key.

You can't really fault Danny Trejo (Death Race 2) for being in this, as he'll pretty much do any movie offered. Nor do your really expect much out of Amber Heard (Drive Angry), Jessica Alba (Escape from Planet Earth), Vanessa Hudgens (Spring Breakers), or the increasingly unpopular Cuba Gooding Jr (Lee Daniels' The Butler).

But with higher profile stars like Michelle Rodriguez (Turbo), Antonio Banderas (Haywire), and Sofia Vergara ("Modern Family"), and talent like Walton Goggins (G.I. Joe: Retaliation) and Demian Bichir (The Heat), you'd think it'd have a little higher caliper.

And then you add Lady Gaga to the mix, and you know this thing is going to tank. I've never understood the attraction to her or her excuse for music. It's definitely a waste of 100+ minutes of your life, and all the inside jokes and B-movie corniness can't save it.

I expected more out of Rodriguez (both of them).