Review of Lucy (2014) by Corvin — 03 Sep 2014

Scarlett Johansson's acting ability is impressive. Morgan Freeman delivers exposition as beautifully as expected. The movie was at times fun to watch. And I'm happy the people writing screenplays are currently fascinated with transcending human limitations through science (although in this case the black market designer drug variety of science).

I wish the people in charge of allocating government research funding in real life were half as fascinated. Unfortunately that bunch seems more interested in the type of research that makes things (and people) blow up.

Not that this movie didn't have plenty of that. Not that I mind when it's a movie. Here ends my praise for Lucy, here begins the snark and spoilers. Don't say you weren't warned! The movie starts falling apart around the time drugs turn Lucy's eyes a CGI shade of blue.

Then it manages to recapture my interest during a police standoff in which Lucy meets her ever-after-to-be-bewildered love interest. But only Robert Heinlein could have created a terser 'boy meets girl, well that's all settled then' sequence.

Immediately after she kisses him so he'll keep following her around like a bewildered collie dog, a car chase ensues. It lacks all suspense because Lucy is behind the wheel and obviously isn't going to wreck (wreck herself, anyway, she manages to ruin the day and increase car insurance rates for plenty of innocent bystanders).

Here the dialogue really rubs logic the wrong way when Lucy proclaims that no one ever really dies, even as she races with obvious urgency and aforementioned vehicular carnage to extend her own life, apparently in order to share what she has learned with the rest of humanity.

But really, what's the rush, won't it all come around again or something mystically eternal like that? The movie then collects itself a final time for an ending I found superficially profound. Until I thought about what the message is in the context of the movie itself.

The plot wraps up with Lucy's voiceover, “Life was given to us a billion years ago. Now you know what you can do with it.” Okay, who doesn't want to control time and everything else? (Shut up, yes you do.

You just don't want anyone to think you're a control freak. You'd jump at the chance.) But what steps is this movie suggesting we take in order to attain such lofty post-human heights, exactly? Step 1: Have a shady boyfriend encourage you to drink lots of alcohol, distract you from your studies, and get you mixed up with ruthless drug dealers before he gets himself killed.

Step 2: When circumstances permit, arrange to become an unwilling drug mule for the ruthless drug dealers, get groped by one, and make sure he slaps you around a bit so as to accidentally release a lot of designer drugs into your system.

Now you should have some transcendent power flowing through your veins, so move on to Step 3: With those powers you can straighten everything out (except road safety in France) by first gaining control over yourself, then getting control over other people (shut up, you know you want to make your mother-in-law river-dance on the Thanksgiving Turkey this year), then getting control over pretty much everything, and finally take control over time itself.

At which point you can go directly to Step 4: turn yourself into an organic super computer, then go back in time and have a chat with one of humanity's furry predecessors, or at least lock eyes and touch pointer fingers E.

T.-style with one. But when you return to the present there's still violence, blood, gore, and ignorant humanity, so you pass along what you've learned while your new, cleaner-cut (at least as far as the standards of French police goes) boyfriend kills some guy who was about to shoot you in the back of the head while you were time-surfing.

Proving that you sure didn't change anything with that whole time travel trip. Which step was that one again? Sorry, I lost track. But I guess maybe we can pretend that step made sense because maybe the time-line branched off when Lucy met anthropology Lucy (yes, that Lucy) and in some other branch of time humanity evolved into something much more decent? Whatever.

On to the Final Step: Text message your new love interest to let him know you are everywhere. Very stalkerish. Don't worry, he won't mind. In fact, judging by his expression, it seemed to clear some things up for the poor befuddled fellow.

Or at least cheer him up.