Review of Love, Wedding, Marriage (2011) by Rebeccah R — 26 Jan 2013

As Sky TV describes "A happy newlywed marriage counsellor's views on wedded bliss gets thrown for a loop when she finds out her parents are getting divorced".

As I would describe "The clue to the movie is seeing 'Voodoo Pictures' at the beginning, overwhelmingly you'll feel someone is prodding your insides with a biro causing dry up-chuck reflexes".

Once upon a time... It starts with these four words and other words that follow. I am a lover of words yet somewhere between the word 'upon' and 'time' my brain freezed. Voodoo Pictures are about to take over my brain, tell me how love is done with bullshit gender stereotyping and rubbish the false sanctity of marriage complete with, imagine the worst cheese on a cheeseboard, you're eating that and you're listening to music in a lift that's broken down, your only saving grace is a Mariah Carey Christmas track that keeps playing on a loop, over and over. That's how it felt to me.

Mandy Moore, I've seen her in a few movies, names of which have removed themselves from my memory bank. She is the nice woman next door but three in Hollywood though not in Hornby, Christchurch. Butter would melt and it would leave a sheen of halo.

In this movie, Ava represents the ideal patriarchal marriage material. She lives by horoscopes, helps others - her job is a marriage counsellor, surprisingly if anything would put you off, it would be counselling other's failing marriages but no, this makes her a hopeless romantic, good-looking, void of an expletive mouth, nice, nice, nice. Shelby, Ava's troubled sister is a woman after my own heart. Attempts at using Ava's profession to medicate her with prescription drugs falls flat... Worth a try though.

Ava and Charlie (Kellan Lutz) are newlywed. Charlie, handsome, works hard at a Winery. To cut a short story shorter... please... I'd rather write about other things. They get married. The only refreshing detail at their wedding is the best man cries "this is embarrassing" he says as he blows his nose. He was talking about the movie, yeah!?!

We get to have a peak into Ava's job. She counsels what appears to be your standard hetero couple. The man is furious that the woman has knocked up $9K on shoes. Boring! Couldn't she have racked up the card with something interesting. Imagine, you could set up in another city far far away from that man that's driving you to purchase like a scatty cat. Leave him would be my advice.

Finally, as my spline is now being ruptured by Voodoo...the tragedy of the movie is her parents. Unlike my parents who don't follow vows, don't like and can't stand each other, more Hornby than Hollywood, Ava's parents did for at least 25 years until Ava's Mum announces "I want a divorce". It appears Ava's father told of extra-liaisons he had when they were technically on a break. Ava's Mum was technically pregnant at the time with Shelby, the unwanted child (that explains her yearn for prescription meds).

Ava spirals into extreme sadness. But wait... here she comes to save the day! By cotton candy balls, she will save their marriage minus her pink cape and tiara. Can you guess what will happen!?! Ava spends all of her time trying to fix their marriage, moonwhile she neglects her own, the silly bint. Did Ava and Charlie and Ava's parents live happily ever after... accordingly you'll see words that assume an end...nek minute... cue appropriate baby shot.

I wrote screeds of notes, lines even. I can't bring myself to relive this shit. The funniest moment was in the out takes. Someone launches a toilet roll really hard at Charlie's head. They're probably pissed at him making Ava re-promise their vows that he'd changed to include forcefully making her promise to love him and a demand for sex at least twice a week.

Cue toilet roll. *thump* hahahahahahahahaha tut.