Review of Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) by Andrew M — 08 Oct 2008

'80s action flicks, especially their ad copy, can be misleading. "Lone Wolf McQuade" would have you believe that we spend most of our time with the title character (hereinafter referred to as "Chuck Norris" since that's who he is, regardless of his scripted name) chasing David Carradine, who's kidnapped his daughter. Nah. It's an escalating conflict that has the kidnapping as its big endgame set-piece.

The McQuade character is pretty cool - he's a beer-drinking, wolf-owning Texas Ranger who'd prefer to be covered in filth (much like his prized Justice Truck, a supercharged Dodge Ram something-or-other) and burning down horse thieves than watching his mentor be publicly recognized by their peers (who are cleaned-up sissies; and his mentor cares little for the ceremony either). Especially at the beginning, the filmmakers take palpable pains to establish Chuck as the true Western lawman - a towering combination of Wayne and Eastwood who can throw a wicked 540° kick.

Also, you'd think that the bad guys would learn after the first two times, but hurting/killing the ones Chuck Norris cares for is a foolproof way to ensure that he will power up and wreck a considerable part of your staff and facilities. Dakota, the unnamed wolf, his daughter, and the woman who made Chuck Norris love again are all targets, and everyone who targets them pays in blood. Seriously - someone of David Carradine's intellect would notice this.

The awesome bits - Chuck Norris keeps a timber wolf as a pet, and it hates everyone except those he personally clears. Chuck Norris is impervious to cleanliness or filth. Chuck Norris carries the Texas version of Dirty Harry's gun (nickel-plated, natch). Walker, Texas Ranger VS Bill the Snake Charmer. The ersatz Morricone score (though I doubt he experimented much with '80s-style synths) and the homage to the "Dollars Trilogy"/Sergio Leone in the opening scene/credits. David Carradine's *awesome* '80s Miami-scumbag argyle sweaters (worn to the big deathmatch at the end, yet). Chakotay from DS9 as a young, eager-beaver partner for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can revive himself by pouring a can of beer over his head.

Oh, and Dana Kimmell - the girl who played Chuck's daughter? SO HOT. WOW. Further proof that Chuck's genetic material, cinematic or otherwise, is superior to that of mere humans.

CN fans will have fun. Leone/Morricone fans will get a chuckle. Not quite the unending parade of awesome that "Invasion U.S.A." was, though.